So, I often have that moment in a friendship when I realize how vastly different our worldviews are. It takes a while to happen for some friendships, and for others, it comes in that initial "friendship honeymoon" time when everything is always new and interesting about this new friend.
I just had that yesterday with one of my friends, and it was such a paralyzing thought.
She was reflecting about her younger years, and what was at stake or important to her when she was 16 years old. For her, it was liking this boy, or Asian-failing that test, or being bored when there's so much to do.
When I was 16, every damn day was spent trying to achieve something--to make something of myself for my brother who could never live that type of normal life. You can look in the archives, but the year I was sixteen, I wrote every day about how I was going to achieve my big dream of being a MD/PhD, go to the best neuroscience college in the country, and change the world.
On a nearly daily basis, I was reminded of how I am the last hope of our immediate family in so many ways: direct ways, slight ways from my parents, and just subconscious ways-- the expectant smile of my brother as I came home from field hockey practice, seeing him for the first time in 8 hours.
That weight, that pressure, it bubbles up every time I think about him and how much my family has sacrificed for me, so that I can maybe someday help him. How much our lives have been forever altered by something that is so innately HIM. His autistic and schizophrenic chemical imbalance has been the defining force of my energy and drive and passion since I understood what it meant. Since the age of 14--when I learned about his condition, his medications, his quality of life, and his understanding of the world. Since I was 12-years-old, and attempting to help him with his high school homework when he had taught me how to spell my own name.
I tear up every time I think about him and how no matter what he is going through internally, mentally-- he has the biggest smile that always lights me up. I miss him every day because without my brother-- my goals in life mean nothing. Without him beside me, I lose my sense of why and how I care about this field. Yeah, neuroscience is interesting and I enjoy learning about it, but I would NOT be trying to carve my name into this path if it were not for my big brother.
Yes, my older brother. My 1 and a half years older brother. I was robbed by the fates of that normal younger sister, older brother relationship-- oftentimes playing a combination of older sister and younger sister. I see the kids we grew up with, the ones with siblings the same ages as we are-- and I cannot help but feel so much jealousy. They do not even appreciate that sibling bond that they get to share--that mentorship, that mutually looking out for each other and knowing someone's got your back. I'm always looking out for two people--myself and him.
And without him here at college, I feel like I lose that sense of purpose. But then I just have to look at a picture of him, and I know that this is all going to be worth it. And in a way, I am so blessed that my family is strong, spiritual, and tight-knit, and that my parents never pressured me into pursuing this. I wanted to research Neuroscience on my own.
I owe my brother and my parents everything-- but I also feel like those families that have not been so tarnished sometimes do not realize the luck of the cards they are dealt. You are SO LUCKY to base all your decisions on YOU. You are so fortunate that all of your future plans: marriage, graduate school, children-- are NOT contingent on any other people. You are not responsible for anyone else but you--APPRECIATE that! No matter where I am in 20 years, I know my brother will be close by. I know that when I am a professor, he will be somewhere by my side, always smiling, strong. And that's a burden and a blessing, but I am immensely grateful to be carrying him with me always.
-maithreyi
I just had that yesterday with one of my friends, and it was such a paralyzing thought.
She was reflecting about her younger years, and what was at stake or important to her when she was 16 years old. For her, it was liking this boy, or Asian-failing that test, or being bored when there's so much to do.
When I was 16, every damn day was spent trying to achieve something--to make something of myself for my brother who could never live that type of normal life. You can look in the archives, but the year I was sixteen, I wrote every day about how I was going to achieve my big dream of being a MD/PhD, go to the best neuroscience college in the country, and change the world.
On a nearly daily basis, I was reminded of how I am the last hope of our immediate family in so many ways: direct ways, slight ways from my parents, and just subconscious ways-- the expectant smile of my brother as I came home from field hockey practice, seeing him for the first time in 8 hours.
That weight, that pressure, it bubbles up every time I think about him and how much my family has sacrificed for me, so that I can maybe someday help him. How much our lives have been forever altered by something that is so innately HIM. His autistic and schizophrenic chemical imbalance has been the defining force of my energy and drive and passion since I understood what it meant. Since the age of 14--when I learned about his condition, his medications, his quality of life, and his understanding of the world. Since I was 12-years-old, and attempting to help him with his high school homework when he had taught me how to spell my own name.
I tear up every time I think about him and how no matter what he is going through internally, mentally-- he has the biggest smile that always lights me up. I miss him every day because without my brother-- my goals in life mean nothing. Without him beside me, I lose my sense of why and how I care about this field. Yeah, neuroscience is interesting and I enjoy learning about it, but I would NOT be trying to carve my name into this path if it were not for my big brother.
Yes, my older brother. My 1 and a half years older brother. I was robbed by the fates of that normal younger sister, older brother relationship-- oftentimes playing a combination of older sister and younger sister. I see the kids we grew up with, the ones with siblings the same ages as we are-- and I cannot help but feel so much jealousy. They do not even appreciate that sibling bond that they get to share--that mentorship, that mutually looking out for each other and knowing someone's got your back. I'm always looking out for two people--myself and him.
And without him here at college, I feel like I lose that sense of purpose. But then I just have to look at a picture of him, and I know that this is all going to be worth it. And in a way, I am so blessed that my family is strong, spiritual, and tight-knit, and that my parents never pressured me into pursuing this. I wanted to research Neuroscience on my own.
I owe my brother and my parents everything-- but I also feel like those families that have not been so tarnished sometimes do not realize the luck of the cards they are dealt. You are SO LUCKY to base all your decisions on YOU. You are so fortunate that all of your future plans: marriage, graduate school, children-- are NOT contingent on any other people. You are not responsible for anyone else but you--APPRECIATE that! No matter where I am in 20 years, I know my brother will be close by. I know that when I am a professor, he will be somewhere by my side, always smiling, strong. And that's a burden and a blessing, but I am immensely grateful to be carrying him with me always.
-maithreyi