Purposelessness is something I strive to avoid. I have felt that intensity that comes with feeling without purpose, and it's something I never want to revisit. I think that this dire need to avoid feeling without purpose drove me to become over-involved in the community. I tutored kids, I wrote for a newspaper, I was on the board for a few organizations, and started my dance team, and not to mention worked to plan events for the Desi community at SC. All these things were great in their own way, but none amounted to helping me achieve what I want and need to achieve.
So, what DO I want or need to achieve?
My goal for years now has been to become a professor of Neuroscience and study disorders and diseases of the brain. But that goal is so isolating. Unless I am the BEST in my field, there's no way I will get to dictate my options. That goal disregards the social issues that I have now seen with new eyes since studying here. That goal feels oddly selfish, though humanitarian. I think it's because society perceives science to be the selfish field, out to disprove or prove something before someone else. Science is cutthroat when you get your credentials, whereas medicine is cutthroat only until you're a doctor. There's two sides to the coin, however. Without the scientists at the lab-benches, the doctors have nothing to prescribe--no means to help.
Then there's part of me that is frankly intimidated by the jargon and the field and makes me think that maybe I'm cut out to teach about it, but not participate in the process. I chalk this part of myself up to inexperience and with time and research experience, this way of thinking will hopefully subside.
So where does that leave me now?
I have to live for me. I have to complete my Bachelor's of Arts in Neuroscience and hope that God will figure it out and not worry. Having a positive outlook to be the best I can be in these last few years here is all I can require of myself to get through to the end. I have to be motivated by the moment-- which is something that is such a foreign concept to me. I am one to live for the future, putting things on hold for later. Now, I really need to delve into the RIGHT NOW and excel just for myself.
So, what DO I want or need to achieve?
My goal for years now has been to become a professor of Neuroscience and study disorders and diseases of the brain. But that goal is so isolating. Unless I am the BEST in my field, there's no way I will get to dictate my options. That goal disregards the social issues that I have now seen with new eyes since studying here. That goal feels oddly selfish, though humanitarian. I think it's because society perceives science to be the selfish field, out to disprove or prove something before someone else. Science is cutthroat when you get your credentials, whereas medicine is cutthroat only until you're a doctor. There's two sides to the coin, however. Without the scientists at the lab-benches, the doctors have nothing to prescribe--no means to help.
Then there's part of me that is frankly intimidated by the jargon and the field and makes me think that maybe I'm cut out to teach about it, but not participate in the process. I chalk this part of myself up to inexperience and with time and research experience, this way of thinking will hopefully subside.
So where does that leave me now?
I have to live for me. I have to complete my Bachelor's of Arts in Neuroscience and hope that God will figure it out and not worry. Having a positive outlook to be the best I can be in these last few years here is all I can require of myself to get through to the end. I have to be motivated by the moment-- which is something that is such a foreign concept to me. I am one to live for the future, putting things on hold for later. Now, I really need to delve into the RIGHT NOW and excel just for myself.
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