cuz i'm sick and tired of waiting, sick of this f-ing ...house.

"cuz i'm sick & tired of waiting, sick of this effing ..." house.

it's so true. this house is haunting me. it's worse than spring break. at least then i had homework to think about. the only prospects i have right now is ... SUMMER reading. (shudders at the thought) i mean, i love doing it. but sitting on the computer actually typing the stuff? just feels darn creepy sometimes. don't know why. if i did, i wouldn't be creeped out. so i'm getting to be like my astrological sign. i'm being crabby like cancer to everyone. my aunt from india over the phone. my family. everyone. and if not, i'm just being polite cuz i don't want to scare anyone over AIM or something. or i act incredibly tired. & bored. but the bored part isn't acting. it's the plain truth. i hate this house, but it's not the house i hate. i hate the feeling that i'm shirking duties. but i have none, per se. besides the above-mentioned summer reading.
fact: i haven't touched my flute in over a month now.
fact: dance has been forgotten since about may.
fact: i am in desperate need of psyciatric help.
fact: i WILL die if i'm left in this house any longer.
fact:...
yeah, you get the point.
this is WHY my parents are yelling at me. my brother's yelling at me and so forth. i'm ADDICTED to the computer.
it's a portal to the outside world that doesn't need to be initiated. you can always be an invisible observer of anything once you go on myspace. or on AIM. all you need is a passcode. that person's name. it's quite scary if you think about it.
anyone can find you. but i'm not scared of being found. i welcome new friends.
this feeling of knowing people are there is comforting to me. so is the music i have been finding online. it's crazy. i am falling in love with good music. my playlists now are all indie/emo rockers. the academy is..., mae, less than jack! ( lOl)& the spill canvas. that music is soothing the pain of having no one. but everyone. not being able to talk. having no friends. this is comforted by the music. the sound of the beat of "slow down". the melody of "embers and envelopes". everything.
my fears need solutions. and the only one i can come up with is to fix the facts. rewrite all. PRACTiCE flute. (shudder) PRACTiCE dance ( once i read my attitude book thrice.) do these things and prepare myself for hard work. cuz i've never done that in my life. and that is what is different about this freshman year than every other year. hard work.

x reyi