today was a jam-packed day.
at first, i just did my normal saturday routine. get up, shower, eat a waffle, chill.
then i helped mush with longboard configuration/debate/mentoring lol.
then i went off on the association of indian students' treasure hunt. which was an epic waste of time, but somewhat fun. but resulted in my longboard being @ PARKSIDE APTS : (
it was funnnnn. but bleh.
then i went to tro gro for some milanos and creamice with my twinzy. <3
then chilled for a bit before getting good seats for culture show 2010!
which was pretty good! the emceeing was interesting... very reminiscent of the mismatch between mouth and body of emcees in my past. look super indian, voice of a white person. very oreo, but the writing worked with it, mostly.
and everything somewhat fit into the story... :)
i liked the bhangra stuff best because it was best put together. the classical fusion was alright, but would've been better with a more bhangra-y costume, but with jazz and bharatnatyam moves within it. the supertraditional plus super NONtraditional didn't work the way they put it together. the kathak was alright too, but i just dislike kathak all around because it just LOOKS lazy. it ain't, but it looks it. the spinning and the weird hands that look deformed. bleh. the only kathak i'll appreciate is the plate dance kathak : )
& Asli Baat was as good as always. It's kinda sad, I can almost sing along to their songs because they perform the same ones everywhere. but they stopped performing Blackbird. and that was their best arrangement? weird. I am definitely auditioning next semester.
I am so excited for next semester. I can't wait for engineering to finally work out. I am GOING TO GET A GOOD GRADE ON TUESDAYS MIDTERM. & the final. I am going to make this work. I can't wait to get programming done for Hindu Student Organization. I can't wait to organize dancers in SOME way maybe for Diwali if not Laasya too? I am just realllllly excited to do something beyond what I'm doing now. Fill up my days. Drink lots of coffee. Live the life of a busy college student. Hopefully with a car. I can't wait to be empowered with an apartment next semester. And freedom. Less time, but more opportunity and creation. I am looking to a new day filled with more confidence. I feel like the beginning of the school year is a blank slate. Especially in college, cuz yeah, your friends KNOW you, but you can always make friends! and freshmen don't know ANYONE and feel pretty damn special whenever they meet and become friends with someone older. at least that's what i felt this year. (and the technicality that I'm not OLDER than anyone coming next year really is NOT important... :P ) I'm hoping that I can befriend some likeminded youngins and go out more next year. Carpe noctem more. Maybe do things I would not necessarily have thought to do before, but should try before I dismiss. Like clubbing. I mean, clubbing for the under 21 set means dancing. and scia goes to SO many club parties. it'd be fun to do that with some friends next year. it'd be fun to do any of the 18+ things! finalllllly. july 20th 2010 cannot come soon enough! i cannot wait. i feel like college is more open to trying things than burlington. no one in burlington that i am reallllly close to, namely ninks or k would everrr consider clubbing or an 18+ concert or something. i think that my restlessness this year at that expense brings out more of an urge to try these things than typical. but i really sympathize with others who view that everything should be tried to some extent before rejection. every experience barring the intake of controlled or illegal substances namely smoke of any kind, drugs, and alcohol. (hookah stands on that weird line between, but i remain on the against hookah side for now. but going to a hookah bar at some point? not ruling it out yet...)
and maybe i'll shoot for bhangra fusion next year. do some tuttin'. haha
i would suck at that. maybe classical fusion? maybe i'll try for more than one because i'm not a BAD dancer and whatever i'm not good at, they can cut me out of.
and maybe the yet unnamed nonexistent bharatanatyam group would want to take part like AB did this year?
but yeah, super psyched for next year. and what that holds in the realms of possibility. it's so tantalizingly close.
but you know what's closer?
finals! and before it, the disney trip that is somewhat unplanned and somewhat planned.
the unofficial official date is may 1st. i reallllllllllllly want to go! 2 WEEKS FROM NOW. holy 5#!+ that's sooooon. but i want to experience space mountain ONCE before i leave here for the entire summer. but maybe we should go on a monday? less lines? friday afternoon post classes? idk. maybe the lines on saturday would be worth it? it's all up in the air. but i reallllllly want to go. i haven't wanted to go to disney this much since i begged mummy and daddy in 3rd grade.
which brings me to something else -- a lot of my life as a little child was copycatting. i was obsessed with being like my friends because obviously, from my head to my wittle toes, i was not. i wanted desperately to want what they wanted, like what they liked, do what they did. i cheated on nearly ALL my 1st grade spelling tests. it was WAY too easy to peek. I felt really bad after, but didn't really stop because i felt like I either needed to check my answers or not let my teacher or my parents down.
it didn't stop at spelling tests. I copied my friends' favorite COLORS. yeah. I couldn't choose my own favorite colors. and to this day, i have settled on green or greenish blue as a favorite almost by default. i have a lot more orange things like this macbook case/my wallet/my favorite scarf. but my favorite color's green? idk. i guess it's orange, but i never really knew how to pick my favorite color...
I couldn't pick my favorite tv show. I didn't want to be judged based on it, so I listened closely to what other kids said, and repeated or chose something similar. I was so manipulative. I remember thinking these things, but not quite so articulately. it was in the back of my mind.
My creative stories were not as creative. my biographies were as similar as could be to my friend's. i was desperate. in second grade, i wrote about disney land even though i went to disney land 2 years prior and had gone to india just that previous summer. India would have been a more telling tale, a more intimate and cultural talk for a 7 year old to write about. something awesome and creative. but no, i wanted to write about disney to feel as though I was the normal American child experiencing normal American things. A lot of the time, I was the lone Indian in my class because in grade school, you only have class with at most 25 kids and it's such a shuffly mixbag, no brown people ended up together.
I think this may have fostered my American complex at that early age. I had experienced a lot, and I didn't know how to deal. I had shifted from India to Singapore and then Singapore to the United States. My pleas for Indian companionship were clear, but I looked to be a well-adjusted, smart kid. Almost TYPICAL within a few years of coming to the US. Yeah, I danced ,but that wasn't something for me as much as something I did for mom and stuff at home. It was just another part of life, not an event in its own right. It made me feel more awkward if anything. When I got to middle school and finally saw more brown people and interacted with them it was less of a hassle. I didn't know what to do really still though because I had become such a mirror of what was around me, I was blind to myself. In high school, that was shattered and tarnished, and I had tunnel vision. It was so unbalanced, sometimes crystal clear and sometimes hazy. this expectation to be a certain way followed me a long way. up to the beginning of college, give or take a few weeks to a few months of summer. In college, there is no more mirror. I can be who I am. It's all part of me. My undeniable Americanness married with my own brand of Indian mixes to make me. I have friends who are not at all Indian and friends who have come from India to study here. I feel as though if I were to write a story today, I wouldn't sneak a peek at my 'best friend''s paper in search of a topic, I would look deep in myself and write the best that comes to mind. If it's liked, it's liked. if it's not, it's not. Yes, it matters, but that shouldn't define where or what comes from it.
a lot of people have these balance issues, and they do become resolved in college. where do i stand? what does spirituality mean to me? how indian am i? how white am i? how am i staying true to my roots?
everything is answered, but in a different blend for each person. and what seems bitter to one, is richly sweet to another. that's why i can't knock on people's individual encoding-- my own is so different that i cannot expect another to understand. i'm finally content with where i stand, even if i have lost some friends from the past. i feel like my past is no longer a part of me in a burdenable way anymore. I do not feel obligation towards them as I have not been true with them in many cases. i have been putting on a façade for the longest time. i have changed my own values in the presence of them in the name of acceptance. i have undergone worse peer pressure than others in atypical ways for odd things and almost rubbish. i have had tumultuous relations with my parentals for years for the ups and downs that my so-called friends have given me along the years. but now, i'm at peace. and i hope you are too.
xoxo,
riff raf.
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