[edited for readabilityy. by reyi]
i've been doing some deep thinking lately. not about my interpersonal relations, though i pretty much am always thinking about how i relate to others. (mostly how i DON'T relate to others.) but i don't know how to sound out what i'm thinking. i'm just thinking that i'm really different. my mommy tells me that everyone in our family knows that i'm different and told me that all my family would be hurt if i ever thought of myself as anything less than amazing, beautiful, spectacular. but like that famous quote: it's my greatest fear that i am less than amazing, beautiful, etc. it's my greatest fear: inadequacy. i mean, most of the time i know my own greatness. i bask in it. i love it. i embrace the inner amazing. but sometimes, just like everyone, i get my human moments. my moments of complete and utter failures. failure to be human for one. failure to be openminded. failure to ask for help. failure to admit failure. i can list for days. and in these moments of failure, i do a few things. i either think it through and know beforehand. and avoid being stupid. [on my mondoamazing days] i yell, screeeeech, sound a lot like a living banshee, make hell for those around me and for myself, and cry. yes, cry. like a four year old. and this happens more often than you would think [ although in this last year from like august on, it hasn't happened nearly as often as from 5-9 grades]. i have such a stoic core that no one thinks i'm destructible. except me. verrrry ironic. but one of my FAVORITE ways to deal with this crazyyyy emotion? painting! drawing! unleashing my graphic soul!
i think i was dealing with a lotta stress yesterday about dance, my plaguelike cough, and just life catching up to me. so i drew about 50 "dope scene" logos. AFTER i already edited up the one that's posted. yep. i loveee my site too ridiculously much. more than i actually write in it. meh.
so that above thing that looks like a paragraph didn't really say anything. but it said a lot.
anyways--- i've been getting that major inadequacy feeling lately.
{note to reader: the following may sound a bit emo. don't worry, maithreyi does not need help. she already figured that out.}
i feel like i have no friends.
i know right? get out your tiny violins! everyone feels like that in high school!
but it's just a crappy feeling to have.
i mean, it's worse when you know that you have the "forever" people who will ALWAYS be there. but you just can't seem to figure out those truly "highschool!" friends.
therein lies my problem.
i have my forever!
i just don't have the in-betweens.
and it isn't as easy as going to a different lunch table. cuz newsflash: i did that LAST year. and ahem, it didn't go too hot.
and twilight (although it's an amazinggggg book series by stephenie meyer that every girl (or guy) should readddd!) didn't help anything. cuz now all i want is edward [or jacob. when it comes to creature men like them, i'm not picky] to come to bhs and sit down and at least be my friend. which is beyond unrealistic.
so now i'm still feeling pretty emotionally distressed.
and i don't even have BRAWL (super smash bros. wii game. most anticipated game of 2008 to date. and lives up to it with amazingggggg graphics. like zomg. i'm fangirlinggg!) to take my mind off of things cuz my daddy {though i love him. NOT. lolz =P jay kay.} banned me cuz i was a teensy weensy too involved with it the other day and
so i'm pretty bummed.
at least i have phases! (an amazing twilight podcasttt. which is almost as funny as mugglecast/pottercast. but with WAY better music choicess)
oh and to the subject of my illness.
it started with a knife in my throat--> temperature (though i think all the people in my house are just like jacob and run on 108 degreess. cuz i have no idea whether i have a temperature.) --> cough--> congestion --> more cough --> dry throat--> almost not being able to talk/ talking nasally/ i hate my voice---> sing like a man/ tonedeaf.
or in graphics?
:D --> :)--> : / --> :| --> (:[ --> :[ --> :( ---> >:|
basically ---> life sucks, and then you die!
oh but in other news?
NIH application = 80% completed. if i think of myself as about 60%, cwood's recc as 20% and drew as 20%, i'm just one drew recc away from doneeeeeeeeee!
and i think i have major potential with that. i don't know how feasible nih ninds is living wise, but on paper it's the best opportunity to come my way.
and i have a serious chance!
i WANTED to write more. but i feel like i have to constantly restrict myself. cuz more people read this. but then again, i feel like they read to know but don't use it against me so i SHOULD type out at least 30% of my soul. maybe. :/
i'm also wayyy too tired and zonked. and like high on lack of sleep and the fact that my throat and nose and ear problem will NOT go away. maybe i should get shelly to help me. there's an idea! LOL
i'm done right nowww.
like done with life.
i'm gonna go drink more coke (probably not the best plan. but tastiest. at least in the house. cuz we don't have pepsi right now. even though i was like raised on pepsi. my brother wanted to feed me pepsi like the minute i was outta my mommy's tummy. which probably explains a lotttt! [only it doesn't cuz that didn't happen. or did it? DUN DUN DUHHHHN!] at least it's not diet. cuz diet has aspartate(?) or something else SHTUPID [brit way] in it that causes growth to malfunction or something so you die. i should probably know the actual scientific reason to this because i strive to be a major in something biologically related. but i really just don't care right now. ) OH MY that parenthetical was LONGGGG.
!
buh byeeeee <33!
-maithreyi
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