I SUCK @ LIFE! OH YEAHH

so, i suck at life.
yeah.

arangetram charity thing? probably maybe NO GO. YES GO ! YAY the following occurred before this revelation!
cuz i am an idiot.
who believes toooo much in the whole " let's all hold hands and with the power vested in us, we will magically save the world using the conductive nature of ..." exactly.
no sense.
nonsense.
ridiculous.
but i REALLY thought by offering up any monetary things i gained from my arangetram, I would somehow impact lives and save SOMETHING other than a bath and body works collection or some cool new UNNECESSARY gadget that looks really sleek and new. i was trying to come in with some perspective i've gained since my last soiree. which was probably too long ago.
and back then, i shunned presents. so that takes us back to the stone age. where presents of the monetary nature went to my mommy and daddy's funds. where i would later get a pretty pink toy or something of that nature.

dork.

stupid noncharitable dork.

i wish i knew better back then.

and i wishi wasn't stubborn now. but apparently wishing on a falling star doesn't make things happen. who'd have thought.

and yeah. i sorta kinda wish i knew what was happening with this charity thing a while ago. cuz i was actually kinda psyched for helping something in the world go better that some of my excitement, though it's still there, has disapated. because not only is my family paying through their noses to let me perform this culmination of my years of dancing studies, but unfortunate MORE unfortunate people won't even (maybe) get a dime. which sucks for them. and sucks for me. when i want to be worldly and care. and join amnesty international. and doctors without borders. i think sometimes having people i look up to help people makes me wish i would help people just to be a little like them. and a little more kindhearted. cuz i do care. but only about a select few in this world. and i wish it were more. i wish i cared about each of the 6 billion on the planet. because maybe then there wouldn't be an economy to watch the downfall of. maybe then we wouldn't have to deal with wars. everyone would care about everyone else. i wish we all had hearts of gold. because then, a fifteen year old girl who wished she cared even more, and wantsed? to give some money collectively from a buncha people to make a point and show that a group who cares is so much more powerful than one single soul, maybe then she would be supported by those who love her. and supported in the sense that they contribute. and help. and ask how to do more.

i know it's impossible to ask that.
even i feel like i don't have time for others.
i don't even have a lunch table with PEOPLE, for crying out loud.
i sit and eat in utter silence of a book (dan brown this week :])
but when it comes to people coming together to do something for others,
i reallllly care.
but i have no money.
and the idea that we pool resources. a dollar here and there and can make something great from it reallllly makes me warm fuzzy and glow and happy from the inside out.

i mean, the latin club can manage to scrounge up $350 for a H2O buffalo and some rabbits in a bad year where donations are slim and people don't care. that money went to heifer.
it was donated.

now it's your turn to help. the school has, where's your contribution?

i want to help.
i participated in the "Fast" portion of "Darfur Fast" .
The only reason i couldn't do the "Darfur" part was because both of my parents wouldn't let me use their credit card info to donate like $10 dollars. not cuz they don't care. they're busy people! they have lives ! and jobs! and children who still require food and care, etc.
i don't blame them.
the only reason i have no money for alms is cuz i don't make it myself.

again, the collaborating sounds realllly good here.

i suppose i should just suck it up. get a job. work some parttime, dance, academically educate myself, play music, and sleep. but that sounds like not only work but timeeee gone.
and i doubt i'll have any useful money by the end of it.
i probably WILL do that in the summer when i have some time though.
and i will donate some.
because try as you might, you will never feel better than when you help another person.
either on a math problem during alg 2.
or halfway around the world in a country being terrorized by their neighbor.

groups of people can do extraordinary things.

i want to make an amnesty international club.
i reallly want to .
i think it's different than model un.
it may appeal to more people. different people.
and i think it MAY get somewhere.

i want to see what it will do.
i want to make a difference NOW.

and though i live in a world where not only am i YOUNGEST in my family
but i have to deal with a culture where respect and the elders are law
and i want to follow the rules but i simply can't be quiet. i need to be
heard. i hate hearing that because i'm young, my voice doesn't count.esp cuz i LIVE in a country where all you hear is "YOUR VOICE COUNTS!!!1!". I have an opinion on everything. and sometimes it's "WRONG" because an elder thinks so.


i want them to think i'm right. just once.
give me a break!

i want to have my cake (charity) and eat it too ( give it all away as a group!)

not a hard concept.
i wish.