hmmmm...

hmmm...

the last couple of days, whenever i'm like the farthest away from a computer, i scratch out all these philosophical, stupid ramblings for this space. and then i completely forget them or i null them in my mind because those thoughts become irrelevant. like my freaking out about chemistry. completely stupid. or my rambling on about something else stupid. that's all it is: stupid.

so. a real, untranscripted, scripted, or in any other way planned post.

i like my life.
like i know i made this type of post a couple of years ago, maybe even 2007. i don't know or care.
I just love this fact. because although things go wrong; people make mistakes. although life sucks, some people are just there. they are my rocks.
and i don't think i've ever really realized they were there.

like take those two to three months of almost oblivion. or obscurity. or just general frump time. i wasn't a frump dress-wise. or any other wise. i was social, just not at lunch.
and i really missed my so-called friends. the ones that now have their own time, zipcode, and life. the ones taht left me in the dust.
i reminisced about funny times. when i was funny. and why , during school or with certain people i just lose my sarcastic edge. my rhythm. it gets lost in the shuffle only to be found when around my kin or in my anger. in my most concentrated core.

and i really thought about who and how i am at my own optimal level.

and though it sounds really scientific the way i'm saying it, it just came down to what i was most comfy with and what i love most in people and whom i love most.

and before anyone judges me based on where i sit at lunch, i just have to say.
just because you like art, do you sit with the artsy fartsy kids?
just because you play golf, do you sit with the superjocks?
just because you play an instrument, does the whole band sit in one side of the cafeteria?

just because you have fob-like leniencies, do you sit with the fobs? (trick question: this answer is always NO. for a million reasons. reason #1: they are scary and creepy beyond compare!)



the answer is no. you have FRIENDS! of course!

and the answer way no for me too. and i did have friends too.
I had my "met through my family" friends with whom i share my ethnic background and my "met through school" friends with whom i used to share my academic/fun pursuits.
(and my "met through camp " friends . but that's a whole other ball game)
and because these worlds practically never connected, i was living a double life.
i was the cool one, the awesome one, the never afraid to say what comes into her head one with my family friends.
and the shy, nontalkative, crazy girl with my school friends.

no, i didn't have multiple personality disorder. or manic depression. or anything psychiatric. [trust me, i'd know]. i was just finding it easier to compartmentalize. be different people different places. until i realized that this taciturn, laughing, nonloquacious, smart but unresponsive, and unremarkably stupid person was not who i am. was. or strive to be.

it was all wrong.

what happened to my opinion on everything? my charm? my SMILE? did they rob me of it all?

in a way. i just wasn't comfortable. it wasn't their fault.

but i really thought we were friends. i had all these delusions. i guess they were very 12-year-old. i mean, they were based on a book series about magic pants. very delusional. very insane. and very accepted at the time. now i realize that those type of "forever" values do NOT exist. like really. you are who you are at this moment. and this moment can either make or break your happiness. for the longest time, my happiness was on hold.
i was waiting for friends who had long left on the train of life.
they were on to new adventures of sex, drugs, and rock and roll (minus the drugs) and i was getting lost in the old kiddie adventures of drama, mystery, and scifi LOL.

and then by taking the train into nowhere, middle of kansas, i learned so much.
i learned the meaning of social nothing.
awkwardness.
how it feels to have no people.
at least for a bit.
and it has to be the most souless time of the day: lunch.
lunch is very much a social endeavor. and quite lonesome if you're a party of one. the food is fine, but i honestly believe that i would have lost my mind. i would have yelled, screamed, etc. if i didn't have my music, my books, and my neuroscience. studying for brain bee was my only crutch. and with it gone, i could only barely last a month in my solitude.

and now i'm with my real, true friends.
the ones that never really left or will leave me.
the ones i can laugh about ANYTHING [ even if its nonsensical ] with.
the ones that don't care if i suck at math and don't judge my freakouts.
the ones that truly CARE.
and we don't need stupid photos or labels or have a need to tell each other every day that we love each other or ginormous groups or cliquey tendencies or anything else so contrived to proclaim our friendships. we just know.
and we don't fight because it's not worth the time we could rather laugh away or smile about some secret joke :)
and that's like wayyyy more valuable to me than any words can describe.
it's ineffable.
and it's infectious.
and i'm incredibly, incredibly, incredibly grateful.

i feel like ron.
"it's not much, but it's home." (hp 2)

i love you, neha & karishma and my little freshies, too :) <333

+ i REALLLY miss you alycia and ali <3
CTY 2007 ! best friends for lifeee.
+ DANG, you were my best friend, kid. and a lifesaver!


--- so thanks, if you care about me.
and no thanks if you left my life. i'll probably talk to you, but you know, it's on different terms than the past. what's done is done. we're friends, but you're not #1.

and please, people in the blagosphere, think about the important things. cuz yeah, when you look back on high school, you won't remember the hard classes or the A- you got in english freshman year. you remember the people who hurt you, the people that make you laugh, the people who send you to the asst. principal's office, the people that get you awards, and the people you love.
but mostly, the people you love.

<3,
maithreyi [yeah, that's my name. don't wear it out! ]