Monday, September 28, 2009

thinking...

so this was two pages, double sided, handwritten, really small and neat. : )

bear that in mind. i may self-censor a little, but i'm going to try to just write what i wrote and edit for bad writing/grammar.

... :

so, HSO's [hindu student organization] potluck party/meeting went really well. I love talking to them because I feel like we all came from a similar background. We're Indian, but with much American influence.

I'm emceeing the Diwali show! And I came up with this week's discussion topic: "Vijayadashmi": basically Ranjani Auntie's yearly discussion about Ravana's ten heads, etc. I'm sure the board will become closer as the year goes on, but today's meeting was a good start! Ronak and Seenu offered to drive me grocery shopping after meetings, and more than half the discussion tonight was just laughter and joking around. Mansi and I, though we were the only freshmen, weren't made to feel awkward--we felt as much a part of the group as any of the seniors or grad students.

between hanging with intervarsity and hso, I feel like I have found the grounded, motivated, yet fun and interesting people who both keep me going and can mentor me. These are the kinds of people I hope to be some day. If I'm just as smart as Suhas is about Hinduism someday, I'd be a better person for it.

I mean, the way in which I met Mansi in itself was ridiculous: I was walking near the Lot one day, and as I walked past her, we locked eyes, and I gave her the head nod like "hey, how's it going?" just because she's indian, and she would totally understand. and instead of just ignoring me or throwing it off as some weird girl's actions, she responded and we talked and bonded over being indian : ] remeeting her today was like the icing on a karmic cake: we were destined to see each other again! haha. but it's funny how life/fate/god has its ways.

i am SO excited for fall con! but just as i'm excited, i'm nervous. i'm not gonna lie: i'm worried about the NOT being christian thing. I mean, I'm obviously going for both the social and spiritual aspects. for me, going to fall con is substituting the lack of temple-going. Communing with nature on an island is a good backup for not going to a temple somewhat regularly, because hey-- there really ISN"T one to go to.

I mean, I am one to see things in different lights and walking a mile in someone else's shoes, and having gone to the Basilique du Sacré-Cœur, Montmarte, Paris-- and getting communion there (thanks to my always helpful mommy... :P)--i can't really get more christian than that.

and I KNOW that intervarsity would never try to convert me, but i'm really hoping that going doesn't change ME or my status as a Hindu. Or that it isn't awkward as hell. I mean, there's a guest speaking talking about God's plan for YOU. and ... my gods' plans are between me and Ganesh, Saraswati, Hanuman, Lakshmi, Vishnu, Shiva, Murugan, Parvati, and Brahma.

I have a very personal dialog with gods that I can talk about but it is distinctly different than my mom's or dad's. It's how I personally have to put belief into perspective. I'm a scientist. I'm practically programmed to NOT believe, yet I do so more than most. because for me, a higher power is not just out there: it is both reasoning for why we're here to begin with. and gives us a purpose for what we're trying to accomplish. it gives us goals. or at least, me. we're here to do our best at our duties: dharma. we're here to reap the punishment and rewards : karma, and then eventually to reach nirvana.

the aspect I love about hinduism?
it is all very much based on very personal decisions. NOTHING is forced upon you. you choose your timings, you choose your traditions. you decide what is important. I mean, as Iyers and Iyengars, etc, we have our own traditions and rituals, but you can still choose what fits you. whatever feels as though it fits your style. whatever you deem is your personal dharma. and you really decide how the supreme, the sum of all gods: brahmaan views it. [hinduism is split among many gods because of simplicity and ease, the real idea is one greater power. he's just split so we can understand it better]

loads of people could diagree with me, and say that it isn't all that simple, that there are rules and confines, etc. but funnily enough, the core value about hinduism is that yes, there are these fundamental choices, but choosing wisely separates those outstandings who will gain a free pass to nirvana in this life, and those who drudge on in this endless circle of rebirth [which reminds me, where do other faiths and other people fall in this cycle? do they just not exist? can you not be born as a buddhist or christian or muslim in another life?]

my personal "chats" with gods before and after slokams help me to keep grounded. they help me to form moral ideas and choose right and wrong. that's why i miss going to temple: those were my solid hours of talking to gods. here, in a dorm, it's harder to do so. it's not looked upon in a grand manner, being religious. i have to make my own time. no one drives the whole family to framingham for the day to spend time at pooja. weekly aarthi's not enough either--"om jai jagadish" does not evoke anything within me. my favorite god is ganesha. i'm named for lakshmi; i love nataraja because of dance. so, changing up aarthi slokams or something may help me and others in their spiritual journey.

doing saraswati pooja this morning was a great idea. (well, flowers minus the chandanam/kunjumum) same with saying chalisa. both gave me a sense of home. they reminded me of mommy cooking baji, singing slokams like ms subbhalakshmi songs, and eating applams and sambhar.

i'm not going to lie: i miss home terribly.

esp mom, dad, bro.

i mean, friends are amazing, but family's for life.

it's COMPLETELY true: your parents know you best, they know what's best for you, and try as you might to deny this: they DO understand you better than anyone else.

I regret not discussing what I can talk to my mom about now back 3 years ago. She could've helped me out of many sticky situations.

& I CAN ACTUALLY HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH MY FATHER NOW.
anyone who knows me well (read: no one at all knows me THIS well...) knows that throughout my life, my father and I fought a lot. we would never really see eye to eye, and he was always setting rules and saying stuff that'd make me angry. now, 6 hours and a plane away, i can appreciate what he had taught me. and i can miss him. which is awesome, because i never really did before.

....


i dunno where i'm going with any of this. it barely connects together, but i needed to vent.

life has been good on the whole, and i like the focused organizations and activities and spiritual things have helped keep me motivated and happier while i study. and that's all well and good because i have to ace chem this week! :)

<3


Friday, September 25, 2009

relivening this place up...

i need to write. and i need to think. this was my place for that for years, so i'm coming home.

lately, things have been amazing.

i have had to deal with some rough adjustment in a sense that it was a whole lot of new, exciting, friendly, amazing people in my life all of a sudden, and that was new.

however, remember this? : [taken from march 20, 2009 post]

" i miss being the center of attention. i miss being obnoxiously loud. i miss walking into a cafeteria and having to wonder "hmmm...who should i sit with today?!" or exclaiming, "yo, dant" or "yo, chan!" wherever i went. i miss being one of the guys. i miss playing frisbee everyday. i miss being genuinely and completely and irrevocably happy. i miss seeing the sunrise coincide with happy times. i miss crying myself to sleep the night before it was all over. i miss talking to old friends while new friends consoled me i miss "a beautiful mind", i miss "you deserve a whack *whackkk*!", i miss "Action Potential!", i miss subcultsh, i miss the precollege guys, i miss the ballerinas, i miss buckland and rocky, i miss "four four four four!" and their little flag and marching, i miss "girl power!", i miss fun dances, i miss bohemian rhapsody, i miss blister in the sun, i miss tunak tunak tun, i miss nightswimming x3,i missed a lot more things but stupid chrome deleted like 30 of them... i miss belonging, i miss having friends who no matter when we saw each other next, we'd talk like best buds, i miss learning because learning was amazing, i miss wanting everything that happened to happen, i miss being reallly satisfied; feeling like you were on the inside of a really good secret joke, i miss being proud of my asian/indian ness, i miss race not being a factor, i miss having random convos without being weird and awk but making fun of kids who were, i miss feeling truly in control, i miss being myself, i miss a lotta things. but the things i miss most are passionfruit, love, friendship, learning, and learning how to say goodbye. i think i get an f----- in saying goodbye. i never wanted to leave.
nevermores--2007 x33333 "
...um, yeah. story of my life : )
i do walk into the cafeteria wondering whom to sit with, but because of the fact I never walk in WITH people, and I have places to go, and things to do, I eat alone.

I do say "yo [insert name here]!" & "sup, [insert name here]?!" on a daily even hourly basis.
i love it because you sight these people, and it makes you feel like you belong. at least for me, friendship lies in the ties that don't restrict you--they connect you in a way in which you can still do your thing, but reconnect as you wish.

i can definitely vouch for being very tomboyish. I do play frisbee like a dude: i love frisbee. and I am not afraid of it or of those playing the sport alongside me. I love playing sports with guys because they don't give a crap about if you're hurt or chit chat. that's something some girls will never get a handle of. the friend thing? having friends that no matter when you see them again, you talk like you never left each other side's? constant occurance! but the thing is, like my last year of cty, i lack that sense of belonging to ONE group. even crypto c was a definite box i fit into-- here, i guess the closest thing would be hso and ivtcf. and trojan vision, but that's more of a case-by-case basis. me and karthik will never be biffs, but me and steve can talk, no worries. there are about 5 to 10 distinct cliques within marks hall itself. and for a while, i could fit into any seamlessly, but now--these groups no longer are confined to our residents. they include others... and they do things as groups, like study in the lounge together, go to the row together, play mindless games together... not my thing. i rather make use of my time. i rather go longboarding, wind in my hair, dashboard confessional blaring through my ipod headphones zooming around campus. i rather go study laying out beside a tree than inside on my hot, uncomfortable bed, or in the freezing lounge downstairs. i rather work at two labs, study hard, and play frisbee, and edit for trojan vision than ever spend another minute on greek row ever. [three words: trojan knights' party.] so yes, im a different kind of person, and yes, i did kinda lose the better friends i had here due to work and weird situations, but i am coming out of it. it will all be okay in the end. : )

xoxo,
maithreyi