thinking...

so this was two pages, double sided, handwritten, really small and neat. : )

bear that in mind. i may self-censor a little, but i'm going to try to just write what i wrote and edit for bad writing/grammar.

... :

so, HSO's [hindu student organization] potluck party/meeting went really well. I love talking to them because I feel like we all came from a similar background. We're Indian, but with much American influence.

I'm emceeing the Diwali show! And I came up with this week's discussion topic: "Vijayadashmi": basically Ranjani Auntie's yearly discussion about Ravana's ten heads, etc. I'm sure the board will become closer as the year goes on, but today's meeting was a good start! Ronak and Seenu offered to drive me grocery shopping after meetings, and more than half the discussion tonight was just laughter and joking around. Mansi and I, though we were the only freshmen, weren't made to feel awkward--we felt as much a part of the group as any of the seniors or grad students.

between hanging with intervarsity and hso, I feel like I have found the grounded, motivated, yet fun and interesting people who both keep me going and can mentor me. These are the kinds of people I hope to be some day. If I'm just as smart as Suhas is about Hinduism someday, I'd be a better person for it.

I mean, the way in which I met Mansi in itself was ridiculous: I was walking near the Lot one day, and as I walked past her, we locked eyes, and I gave her the head nod like "hey, how's it going?" just because she's indian, and she would totally understand. and instead of just ignoring me or throwing it off as some weird girl's actions, she responded and we talked and bonded over being indian : ] remeeting her today was like the icing on a karmic cake: we were destined to see each other again! haha. but it's funny how life/fate/god has its ways.

i am SO excited for fall con! but just as i'm excited, i'm nervous. i'm not gonna lie: i'm worried about the NOT being christian thing. I mean, I'm obviously going for both the social and spiritual aspects. for me, going to fall con is substituting the lack of temple-going. Communing with nature on an island is a good backup for not going to a temple somewhat regularly, because hey-- there really ISN"T one to go to.

I mean, I am one to see things in different lights and walking a mile in someone else's shoes, and having gone to the Basilique du Sacré-Cœur, Montmarte, Paris-- and getting communion there (thanks to my always helpful mommy... :P)--i can't really get more christian than that.

and I KNOW that intervarsity would never try to convert me, but i'm really hoping that going doesn't change ME or my status as a Hindu. Or that it isn't awkward as hell. I mean, there's a guest speaking talking about God's plan for YOU. and ... my gods' plans are between me and Ganesh, Saraswati, Hanuman, Lakshmi, Vishnu, Shiva, Murugan, Parvati, and Brahma.

I have a very personal dialog with gods that I can talk about but it is distinctly different than my mom's or dad's. It's how I personally have to put belief into perspective. I'm a scientist. I'm practically programmed to NOT believe, yet I do so more than most. because for me, a higher power is not just out there: it is both reasoning for why we're here to begin with. and gives us a purpose for what we're trying to accomplish. it gives us goals. or at least, me. we're here to do our best at our duties: dharma. we're here to reap the punishment and rewards : karma, and then eventually to reach nirvana.

the aspect I love about hinduism?
it is all very much based on very personal decisions. NOTHING is forced upon you. you choose your timings, you choose your traditions. you decide what is important. I mean, as Iyers and Iyengars, etc, we have our own traditions and rituals, but you can still choose what fits you. whatever feels as though it fits your style. whatever you deem is your personal dharma. and you really decide how the supreme, the sum of all gods: brahmaan views it. [hinduism is split among many gods because of simplicity and ease, the real idea is one greater power. he's just split so we can understand it better]

loads of people could diagree with me, and say that it isn't all that simple, that there are rules and confines, etc. but funnily enough, the core value about hinduism is that yes, there are these fundamental choices, but choosing wisely separates those outstandings who will gain a free pass to nirvana in this life, and those who drudge on in this endless circle of rebirth [which reminds me, where do other faiths and other people fall in this cycle? do they just not exist? can you not be born as a buddhist or christian or muslim in another life?]

my personal "chats" with gods before and after slokams help me to keep grounded. they help me to form moral ideas and choose right and wrong. that's why i miss going to temple: those were my solid hours of talking to gods. here, in a dorm, it's harder to do so. it's not looked upon in a grand manner, being religious. i have to make my own time. no one drives the whole family to framingham for the day to spend time at pooja. weekly aarthi's not enough either--"om jai jagadish" does not evoke anything within me. my favorite god is ganesha. i'm named for lakshmi; i love nataraja because of dance. so, changing up aarthi slokams or something may help me and others in their spiritual journey.

doing saraswati pooja this morning was a great idea. (well, flowers minus the chandanam/kunjumum) same with saying chalisa. both gave me a sense of home. they reminded me of mommy cooking baji, singing slokams like ms subbhalakshmi songs, and eating applams and sambhar.

i'm not going to lie: i miss home terribly.

esp mom, dad, bro.

i mean, friends are amazing, but family's for life.

it's COMPLETELY true: your parents know you best, they know what's best for you, and try as you might to deny this: they DO understand you better than anyone else.

I regret not discussing what I can talk to my mom about now back 3 years ago. She could've helped me out of many sticky situations.

& I CAN ACTUALLY HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH MY FATHER NOW.
anyone who knows me well (read: no one at all knows me THIS well...) knows that throughout my life, my father and I fought a lot. we would never really see eye to eye, and he was always setting rules and saying stuff that'd make me angry. now, 6 hours and a plane away, i can appreciate what he had taught me. and i can miss him. which is awesome, because i never really did before.

....


i dunno where i'm going with any of this. it barely connects together, but i needed to vent.

life has been good on the whole, and i like the focused organizations and activities and spiritual things have helped keep me motivated and happier while i study. and that's all well and good because i have to ace chem this week! :)

<3