losing sight of what's good. and what's true.

some guidelines i should follow... maybe they'll give me more focus.

"Ten Commandments of Paramacharya

1. One of our duties as human beings is to avail ourselves of every opportunity to do good to others. The poor can serve others by their loyal work to the country and the rich by their wealth to help the poor. Those who are influential can use their influence to better the condition of the lowly. That way we can keep alive in our hearts a sense of social service.
2. Man by himself cannot create even a blade of grass. We will be guilty of gross ingratitude if we do not offer first to God what we eat or wear – only the best and choicest should be offered to Him.
3. Life without love is a waste. Everyone should cultivate “Prema” or love towards all human beings, bird and beast.
4. Wealth amassed by a person whose heart is closed to charity, is generally dissipated by the inheritors: but the family of philanthropists will always be blessed with happiness.
5. A person who has done a meritorious deed will lose the resulting merit if he listens to the praise of others or himself boasts of his deeds.
6. It will do no good to grieve over what has happened. If we learn to discriminate between good and evil, that will guard us from falling into the evil again.
7. We should utilize to good purpose, the days of our life-time. We should engage ourselves in acts, which will contribute to the welfare of others rather than to our selfish desires.
8. We should perform duties that have been prescribed for our daily life and also be filled with devotion to God.
9. One attains one’s goal by performance of one’s duties.
10. Jnana is the only solvent of our troubles and sufferings.

I need to find purpose and strength in the things I do. I need to understand that some things I just need to complete, and not look back on--and it's hard for me because I like thinking that things have purpose. I don't want to do the things that don't contribute to my goals. It's hard to motivate myself to do these things...but i I just did them instead of thinking about doing them, maybe I would be better of. I keep thinking about why I came to California. Why SC? I feel like at the time, and even now, there's some PURPOSE in my being here that I haven't yet discovered. This is in the plan that God has for me, but I don't know how. I had othesr goals, but I felt this push to come here. Somehow, it will make sense. but I need to work. I don't know how to work in the ways that this school wants, but I must. I feel like college has killed that spirit in me. that ambition to succeed because i feel like I personally know where my story ends, and I know that I will achieve that because, i mean, what else have these last 3 years been about? This doubt in myself that is forming. the ideas that i'm not thriving like I expected I would and therefore I am less of myself take over. and i'm not proud that I seep to that emotion. I am not proud that when I call my father he can hear the doubt and frustration and anger and sadness in my voice, even though I did feel re-inspired after meeting him and my family. This place has turned from paradise in those first days where I was discovering people who were so receptive to me and ideas that I loved into things that I know don't contribute to my future goals and no REAL true close friends to turn to. other people have carved niches. people who they can call in case of a true need or emergency. I have none here. I have no family here. I have no people who care about me here. All my negativity springs from these voids of merit and voids of personal contact. I have no friends to plan sleepovers with. I have no friends to give me purpose, even fleeting, from one day to the next.

And I don't know if it's just a me thing, but this lack of motivation, this feeling that -- What's the point? keeps getting to me. I KNOW i just have to trudge on... and if I do, the grades may follow, but trudging on is hard when you've lost the will to do so. college grades do not really depict one's knowledge or understanding or ability. they depict how you play the game. The winners are often not necessarily the smartest, but the ones who know how to play the system better than the others. Know how to answer the right questions, not the wrong ones.

I feel like half my posts lately have been about this lack of motivation i've been feeling.
and that bothers me.
and it's pervading my existence.

i feel like it's because i judged myself so long on what i am to become: a neuroscientist.
I have known this fate of mine, and to now have that questioned as " are you really a neuroscientist, maithreyi? how come you aren't doing well? " throws me.
maybe i'm NOT a neuroscientist.


but I want to be one.
& that should be what matters.


AND I AM GOING TO GET THERE! I AM GOING TO DO WELL! I AM GOING TO LEARN BIOLOGY AND DO WELL ON MY FINAL! AND MY PAPERS WILL BE WRITTEN!
but it's a process.
like dad says, it's a marathon, not a sprint.


a definite future neuroscientist in some form,
maithreyi