hum hallelujah. :)

DANCE DRAMA IS A GO-GO! :D

("wake me up before you go-go"...haha)

i'm in a weird mood.

slept kinda sorta late ishhh last night and looking at an almost all-nighter tonight ,most likely.

tomorrow's going to SUCKKK

i have a chem midterm which i don't know how to study for/don't want to study for even though I NEED the good grade studying would give me.

and i just realized i didn't bring my calc for my self-said all night study seshhion.

bleh.

not in the mood. thank god i got my anthro done with already. less stress.

more chem!

& i'm thinking about kinda sorta maybe possibly hmmm .... transferring to WELLESLEY! : O

there are tons of pros, and tons of cons.

we'll see. i'm looking to definitely explore it. [visit alone in the summer on one of those jaunts with the car ALONEEE. i'm totally excited for the driving practice mom's promised me. and the possible car! haha.]

i'll put a detailed procon list when i have the time to realllly think this through, but for now check out this picture! that's like reason enough to pack up and go back home! hahah. [it's not really funny, is it?]

the thing is, wellesley is the type of school i would have seen myself at if it weren't for rhp.

a liberal arts school with strong science. it's very much a school in the mold of brown and yale, but just with all girls. and their amazing cross-reg program with MIT gives me perks that i always wished for when reading the MIT admissions blogs... like an mit email id! and going to MIT, ish. ; )

the all girls thing would also put me in a similar situation as ninks, if she chooses simmons! so we could be like in the same consortium and things, i think. [i don't really know what's up with all that in ma... haha]

& talking to sandra will help put this in perspective, so i'm going to hold off on any definitive decisions until probably july.

...back to chemistry. but just felt like putting up SOMETHING.

:D

xoxo,

rafiki

feeling uninspired, but happy?

I feel so uninspired today. chemistry is so dry.

and boring.

and meh.

i can do most of the problems from the practice test.

yeah, that's not a good sign, but it's better than nothing.

and i have four hours plus lecture to review tomorrow.

i can do it.

right now, though, i need sleep.

g'night.

and i'm going to start blogging more substantially from now onwards.

to dance or not to dance?

So.
I am really emotional right now.


This summer, I really wanted to kick back, no plans, do whatever in India, soul-search.
Figure out if what i've wanted for so long is indeed what i still want.
and if not, fix it.

and now, i'm being offered this opportunity that i probably never will be able to take again, if i want what i want as i wanted in the past.
dancing in a dance drama. not just dancing it alone, but with my guru (and others). something i had longed to do and regretted not doing for years and years.

if i take dance and india as mutually exclusive--neither can happen WITH the other--which do i choose?

india has been a long time coming as my mom and brother have gone in the last year, but I haven't. everyone misses me and hates me for not going last year. and if i prolong that, they'll just end up forgetting me or thinking i'll never come.

but dance has been a long time coming too! this is the first year i have NO plans that can interfere, yet. nothing holding me back from leaping in. except of course mom and dad's gripes about india. mom today brought up two points: how can i let dance dictate when I can go to india? and it will be raining if i go in july.
SO WHAT? it nearly ALWAYSSSS is rainy when i make it to india.
yes, my break is early enough that i can go through june, in theory. but what for if i am missing something that i will regret missing.

I always will beat myself up about missing Dancing: Nature's Art. and not being around this year and learning Savitri. and not taking advantage of my location and learning all the dance that i could have in all my years in burlington. So why not amend that? Why not do something that I will have to show for? Why not have some goals? It could cure me of this purposelesness I have felt in the past. It can cure me of all that pain of not getting a dance group here and that loneliness of losing something that once gave me such a feeling of accomplishment. i feel like i don't know myself anymore because as soon as my arangetram was over and a long time after, i could define myself as a dancer, and in a few short months, i lost that CONNECTION. i really want to reconnect with it. and having such goals and a due date and a reason to dance over and over and over would just improve me. revitalize me. make me go to india skinny! [if they both could occur, that is.]

right now, i guess, things are up to me.

we'll see which way this cookie crumbles.
-maithreyi

stress. life. and coping.

...
so life this semester has been rollin'.
after a bumpy start, i pulled through my first midterms alright.
i survived in all my classes unscathed.
then kinda took a snooze for the next two to three weeks.
and then-- the midterms strike again! :(
i have another statistics midterm on thursday. and i have not remotely started studying. tomorrow's going to be an adventure.

on other news, i loveeee my friends! :)
mansi = <3
and so do daksha and deepthi and seenu.
i like all the people i've been meeting so far, and i miss all the people i havent seen in a while too.
overall, i feel like i have somewhere to turn when things get hard. and that's something i'm really thankful for because i didn't have that first semester.

vhs health is inconvenient and i hate it. but sometimes you have to do things you hate for the greater good. :P
im graduating. cap and gown. and walking. ;)

so all in all, life is alright.
i'm excited about some things, and just want to get through others.

like a normal teenager. B)


IM SO EXCITED MOMMY"S COMING ON FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYYYY :D

losing sight of what's good. and what's true.

some guidelines i should follow... maybe they'll give me more focus.

"Ten Commandments of Paramacharya

1. One of our duties as human beings is to avail ourselves of every opportunity to do good to others. The poor can serve others by their loyal work to the country and the rich by their wealth to help the poor. Those who are influential can use their influence to better the condition of the lowly. That way we can keep alive in our hearts a sense of social service.
2. Man by himself cannot create even a blade of grass. We will be guilty of gross ingratitude if we do not offer first to God what we eat or wear – only the best and choicest should be offered to Him.
3. Life without love is a waste. Everyone should cultivate “Prema” or love towards all human beings, bird and beast.
4. Wealth amassed by a person whose heart is closed to charity, is generally dissipated by the inheritors: but the family of philanthropists will always be blessed with happiness.
5. A person who has done a meritorious deed will lose the resulting merit if he listens to the praise of others or himself boasts of his deeds.
6. It will do no good to grieve over what has happened. If we learn to discriminate between good and evil, that will guard us from falling into the evil again.
7. We should utilize to good purpose, the days of our life-time. We should engage ourselves in acts, which will contribute to the welfare of others rather than to our selfish desires.
8. We should perform duties that have been prescribed for our daily life and also be filled with devotion to God.
9. One attains one’s goal by performance of one’s duties.
10. Jnana is the only solvent of our troubles and sufferings.

I need to find purpose and strength in the things I do. I need to understand that some things I just need to complete, and not look back on--and it's hard for me because I like thinking that things have purpose. I don't want to do the things that don't contribute to my goals. It's hard to motivate myself to do these things...but i I just did them instead of thinking about doing them, maybe I would be better of. I keep thinking about why I came to California. Why SC? I feel like at the time, and even now, there's some PURPOSE in my being here that I haven't yet discovered. This is in the plan that God has for me, but I don't know how. I had othesr goals, but I felt this push to come here. Somehow, it will make sense. but I need to work. I don't know how to work in the ways that this school wants, but I must. I feel like college has killed that spirit in me. that ambition to succeed because i feel like I personally know where my story ends, and I know that I will achieve that because, i mean, what else have these last 3 years been about? This doubt in myself that is forming. the ideas that i'm not thriving like I expected I would and therefore I am less of myself take over. and i'm not proud that I seep to that emotion. I am not proud that when I call my father he can hear the doubt and frustration and anger and sadness in my voice, even though I did feel re-inspired after meeting him and my family. This place has turned from paradise in those first days where I was discovering people who were so receptive to me and ideas that I loved into things that I know don't contribute to my future goals and no REAL true close friends to turn to. other people have carved niches. people who they can call in case of a true need or emergency. I have none here. I have no family here. I have no people who care about me here. All my negativity springs from these voids of merit and voids of personal contact. I have no friends to plan sleepovers with. I have no friends to give me purpose, even fleeting, from one day to the next.

And I don't know if it's just a me thing, but this lack of motivation, this feeling that -- What's the point? keeps getting to me. I KNOW i just have to trudge on... and if I do, the grades may follow, but trudging on is hard when you've lost the will to do so. college grades do not really depict one's knowledge or understanding or ability. they depict how you play the game. The winners are often not necessarily the smartest, but the ones who know how to play the system better than the others. Know how to answer the right questions, not the wrong ones.

I feel like half my posts lately have been about this lack of motivation i've been feeling.
and that bothers me.
and it's pervading my existence.

i feel like it's because i judged myself so long on what i am to become: a neuroscientist.
I have known this fate of mine, and to now have that questioned as " are you really a neuroscientist, maithreyi? how come you aren't doing well? " throws me.
maybe i'm NOT a neuroscientist.


but I want to be one.
& that should be what matters.


AND I AM GOING TO GET THERE! I AM GOING TO DO WELL! I AM GOING TO LEARN BIOLOGY AND DO WELL ON MY FINAL! AND MY PAPERS WILL BE WRITTEN!
but it's a process.
like dad says, it's a marathon, not a sprint.


a definite future neuroscientist in some form,
maithreyi