life in 2007

i'm looking back on life in general in this last year.
while listening to crash rock show :)
and i'm fixated on summer moments.
and stupid times i tried to stay in touch
but that's all over. and i have to get over it.
which makes me sadder than i'll admit.
and esp when i listen to certain music, facts about such things ache.
a lot.
i hate writing here sometimes, cuz it's a public blog. and certain people
from certain places
who are certainly not meant to read these confessions but at the same time are the only people with the right to read them. if that makes any sense.
anyways, this'll be a give in-- but i realllllly miss "nightswimming" near you. with you.
and if you're out there, i hope we can still be friends. good friends. like i hope we have been.

--
other than that-- 2007 was a year of epiphanies for me.
i realized andover wasn't for me. even though i was lost in that dream for the longest time.
i excelled academically and found my calling in one summer.
i found my career. neuroscientist.
i realized who i am.
i did important soulsearching.
i realized dance is something that i can't live without. and i actually do love doing.
i made important choices in my life. and prioritized.
i dreamed of things and those things are actually possible.

i met the most important and best people i've ever met in my life. besides my family of course.
and my current biffs.

i realized another year of amazing summer for the sake of amazing summer isn't worth it. even though i want so badly to go back to that moment.
i realized it's time to look to the future. and college. and careers. and goals.
and if fate has a plan,

60! + random thoughts

i'm in the middle of practicing my dancing for arangetram.
it's june 8th.
i can't wait, but practice is getting so nerveracking.
and i AM superpassionate about it NOW. but i don't feel strong, if that makes any sense.
like i go through the motions and emotions and everything comes out nicely. but i feel disjointed mentally from one to the next. and if i try to be strong it comes out better, but i dunno how to convey to my brain to be strong or think strong all the time. *sigh*.
and i can't stop writing poems or half-poetic thoughts about last summer.
esp about certain people. aghhh.
i wish i had had more time.
new year's is coming up... all i can think about is dance and mit.
and how somehow those two things are inextricably linked though they aren't.
and i keep skulking the mit ea and deferred as though i am among them when i won't be for another two years.
i can't wait to be there, though. somehow, i feel like everything since andover has made me a better person and this time i'll come out on top.

for now, all i can do is dance.
=)

christmas.

i know a lotta people out there hate secularism.
i used to tout that too, i think.
but then i realized that everything we do is secular. derived from different cultures and blended and melded together.
then celebrations, no matter which ones, should be shared.
so, happy christmas.
sure, i don't get presents per se, but i do get the pleasure of family. and friends. and laughter.
and that is enough, i suppose.

course ideas for my junior year.

next year plan?

latin iv
ap world
english 3
adv topics
physics
ap bio
study/gym

i need to either get rid of history. latin. or ap bio. :[
i'm soooo not getting rid of ap bio at all. latin probably or probably not. i REALLY don't want to get rid of ap world. but that's probably what it'll come down to.
all this for elective.
arghhh. i hate electives.
i just want to be able to take ap bio AS an elective so that i can just use the above as my schedule. and then do like after school band or something.

i feel dumb.

my psat scores came in. 196. i was disappointed, but not dead.
rauntie says i need at least one 80 next year esp in math if i want to be a scientist.
and i need at least one 800 on the sat preferably in math next year on the sat.
and she's right.
i want mit.
mit wants 760-800 on math.
they could practically care less verbally.
:[
booo hooo.
this makes me have to start studying NOW for the sats.
blah.
i want to kill.
but i just want to get into college.

today was an early release.
i feel kinda like i have been early releasing.
i haven't been consistent in my effort in anything but dance.

that's got to change so that i can go intern this summer.
i have like 8 to 10 programs i'm applying to.
i need to do well now in order to stand a chance in those programs.
dance is so fun now. i'm enjoying getting better and better. even if i practice like a half hour, it's a good half hour of practice. :P
i'm so happy for my senior friends! results are coming for early decision this month. they're all psyched. i'm so happy for them because they've achieved what they wanted.

it's a thrill to see them so happy, even online.
i can't wait for when that is me. that is me going far from home so soon and learning how to live and what to learn for my career. i can't wait for that feeling. i think and dream about it so much. i'm not like transfixed on it, but i want it. more than this moment, i want the chance to have that moment.
:P