it's 11:11, now you want to talk

so yes. it's 1111.

today. i was thinking.
what is life really all about?
back in the day, it was all about wars, slavery, life or death, hierarchy, ruling dictators who were born one after another, over and over. cyclical. similiar. simple. and the same. the same ruin. the same OMG moments. the same dramaaaaa. over and over. til the end of the era.

now, what's life about?
um. let's consult my girl, gossip girl courtesy of the cw. um, like, life is like all about designer clothes, and drinking, partying, and getting into college so we can drink and party without parents! duhhhhh!

um. right....
middle class suburbia life?
life is money. money is life. the two are interchangeable. because if you have money you actually have a life. that matters. and if you have no moeny, you die! yay money!

my life?

um. actually. as superficial as it sounds ,the money thing is the truth. but there's something more. i liveeee to get money, go to college, learn to help people with incurable diseases, but ultimately i'm another link in the chain of life. a good link, but just another person. human life is tricky. it's wasted, but not really.

i was reading deb's blog the other day... (http://supahhhflyyx.livejournal.com)
and what she says about war today... ABSOLUTELY true.
not like life doesn't matter, but to add to what she said, it's cyclical. we're all gonna die.
we're all gonna decompose (unless we're cremated.) but the point is, we'll all be little bits someday. one with the earth. so how does it really matter that 4000 people died in the span of 5 years in WAR? war kills. that's kind of the point.

i mean, the crusades, the plague... the world's gone true worse crises. i think that our generation of like the last 200 years likes to bring on the drama of years past. make up for lost time. treat everything like it's the end. which is probably why women and men are so broken up after "breaking up" with their gfs and bfs. our closest genetic link, the chimp, doesn't really hold on to relationships like we do. so we should kinda follow monkey see, monkey do right about now. be playas. it's good for us.
it's good to not CARE about things so much for a change. it probably would make things more happy in the long run anyway.

-maithreyi

cty. sometimes memories never fade

so. sometimes, you have to move on. sometimes, it is a choice. sometimes, moving on sucks. a lot.
sometimes, moving on means leaving your friends. sometimes, moving on means your friends have left you. sometimes, life just isn't peachy. or you want more. or something causes this movement that causes life to suck.

so for me, cty has ended. it didn't have to. i have one more year.
but that's just it.
one more summer "just cause I can" is not right to me.
especially when it costs money
and i could make money or learn for free now.

but then why does it hurt so much ?
to leave my friends? to " leave " the one place besides home where i felt alive?

why does it hurt to see my friends go on without me?
why?

this is an emo blog...
but i'm just wondering. cuz it was supposed to be about learning.
and i learned.
but the growing i didn't imagine. the making friends... i never went to camp and made friends before cty.
i was too uncool.
i was a dork. a freak. a little girl who liked books more than people.

now i just love people.
and i just lost the same ones.

and this big scheming dream i had... it's gone. there's nothing.
i need to make something happen.
i need to do something crazy.
or insightful
inspiring
to prove that i didn't leave my friends for nothing.
or to prove that i was not going to NOT make friends this summer.

but it doesn't stop the hurt. and the wishing and hoping we'll all meet again.
it sucks.
but in the end, it'll all be alright.

-maithreyiii

i don't wanna go to school. yes, it's true. i wanna go to college to get some knowledgee

i don't wanna go to school. yes, it's true. i wanna go to college to get some knowledgee.


so, spring break didn't do anything for me learning wise.
i didn't learn a single thing from a book.
i didn't even read a book.
at all.
i learned about myself though.
i learned from within.
to not judge.
to look inward, not outward.
to forgive and forget the past.
and a lot of stuff that the school perspective never allows for.

i learned that sweating is alright.
and almost dying in a car accident is exhilarating so long as one does not die or get injured.

and that i really need to focus on the present when all i want is the future. and all i do is hate the past.

i love the future.
because it seems like i can do anything-- but i have a goal.
so it seems like i'll reach it.
but then what?

that's like the weird part about goals and college and the next step.
what next?

cuz i THINK right now all i want is to either stay home or go out to cali.
[go big or go home mentality]
but i'm rethinking.

my one and only dream ever since i started reading the mit blogs was "hey, mit is close. it's sick. i'm going." but now, i'm rethinking. i'm like-- mommy and daddy would never be able to dish out that kinda change.
maithreyi can't make it.
maithreyi will make it but then fail out and be miserable
maithreyi will make it, do well, but be miserable like at bhs.
maithreyi won't make it, and will only make it to community college and be miserable.
maithreyi could make it, go somewhere else, and have the time of her life.

so yeah. conflicting thoughts.
but my favorite one, which i hope still happens?

maithreyi makes it, makes mit blogger, makes course 9, enjoys her life, goes to grad school and lives happily ever after!

:]
i wish.

but what about the ivies?
what about more feasible less expensive means to the same end?

what about life?

:/
maithreyi

spring brak 08

spring break 'o8

so. spring break's going great. at least today it is. yesterday, i was lazzzzy.
today, i'm also lazzzy.
but not quite as much as yesterday.
and i have goals today.
i have to perfect [or reperfect] bhoomanjali, my opening number.
i have to read stupidddd of mice and men.
i have to make food.
i have to study-udy-udy
i have to survive.

i have to learn how to make pancakes in the near future. cuz my mommy is awesome. and i suckkkkkkkkkk.
seriously.
my brother was wayy too nice to actually stick them in his mouth and pretend to enjoy them.
they were like a food safety hazard.
i was gonna take a picture of them, but i didn't want to ruin my camera.
that bad. srsly.

oh
and i have to go exercise.
outside. in the nonhouse.
:)
sickkk.
i'm like tired. & i have no shoes. but exercise, it is.
probs just walking with the bro.
maybe hit dunks.
just to eat somethinggg edible for a change. (but mommy did make yummy food at homeee... decisions, decisions. omg. the starting line! ... my thought process is WEIRD! :] )

oh. yeah. that reminds me. i need to dwld the scene aesthetic.
+ .... i can't remember.
but i should go do that today sometime.

maybe i should do some cartwheels.
yes. i shall.


OMG. spring cleaning went so well! yes, my drawers are overflowing.
and yes, i did DO MY OWN LAUNDRY for like 4 loads in a row.
and have more clothes than can fit in my organization system.
but it's clean. and neat. :)


and... in other news, my COSTUMES CAME!!: )

update on this laterrrz.

i think i'm gonna either code, read some scripts online, or chill in some other way before tackling my work.


and there's a wizrock concert on saturday. thati reallly want to go to! :)

life. update. and rx.

life. update. and rx. 4/16/ 08? whatever day was thurs.
sub ToEndOfReyi'sCapacity ()
tests,
non tests,
stupid 1 day til vacation
aghaghaahgahgahga PHOTOSHOOTTTT!
end sub

and that in a nutshell, is what i've been feeling the last couple of days.

stress. lack of stress.
stupid coughing.
stupid stress.


LOLOL--- one day left though :)

then i can soak up the sun. which seems to like boston lately!

-----
edit 4/19/08: because stupid mommy wanted me to get a facial and i never finished! LOLzz

so, i was saying that i got so stressed about photoshoot and school.
so school's out for a week.
and photoshoot's over.
and was it worth the stress? yes.
was it painful to be a model for a day? OH HECK OMG PAIN YESSSS.

i give majorrrr props to anyone who has ever had to deal with a photographer and camera and couldn't take breaks whenever they wanted cuz they had to get "THE SHOT" .
it's ridiculously painful.
more painful than actually dancing.
omggg. pain.

and today, i CLEANED .

but the good thing was ridding myself of the bad memories, and bringing in the good and new memories. like going to 21 with my buddies :)

and i should go fix that. but i wanted to change the bg on here too, to reflect my spring cleaning mood.
i found my old cty pic that i traced.
and i scanned it into the computer.
and it came out with a blue line across and the whole thing was yellow.
i fixed it; in picasa, paint, and PICNIKKKK which is the bestest estest facebook application i have ever come into contact with.

i love the fonts.
gangstaaaaa :)
that's actually how i looked. i can put in the actual picture i traced later. it was cty drag dayyy back in 2005. the first drag day i ever experienced. it was sickkkkk nasty.

[it also explains why my hat is pink. i didn't have a chance to beg my classmates and friends for a hat. i barely got clothes. so i used my PINK bosox one! teehee.]


oh. and time to talk rx.
it was the book i had to read for health classs.
and ironically, i read it as i was sick on thursday last week.

it was actually quite enjoyable if i forgot about the main character's major flaws. as in her ritalin addiction, her thinking she was ADD, her hanging out with a sexdriven stupid girl and a stoner though she wanted to be part of the "TWENTY" (the elitist academic group), her wanting will, a lazy kid who hates said twenty, and her disregarding of her parents and signs all around her saying NOT TO SELL/TRADE Rx drugs.

but other than allllll those problems of "thyme"[what a stupid name. who names their kid THYME?], it was a good story.

i could relate with the academic endeavors. but i don't think my friends would be so outta it. and i don't think i would get stoned to keep it up, or go on interviews, or before presenting in front of the class. or to commit suicide like one of the kids does with the drugs THYME sells.

okay, ... so it was an alright book.

a little unrealistic, but alright.
i think the thyme getting caught but not caught scene was stupid. and instead of someone DYING, or her boyfriend breaking up with her, or just going to college making thyme stop with the drugs, i think that plain old having her getting caught like with her name on the altoids tin or something would have been absolutely perfect. the suicide, boyf, and college thing was just pushing it.
and the ending was horrendous.
"i would kill for some ritalinnnn. i would pay like a 1000$ a pill!" just AS thyme is flushing said pill down and reaches for it? verrrrry melodramaticcc.
very unbelievable.

but the characters were kinda real. like if you blended them together, you'd get something that resembles real.
insecure, weird, wanting to fit in, awkward, perfect --- we all have it in us.

so yeah, good book. lots of problems. but i suppose that's why we read about it for health. they are SUPPOSED to be flawed.

eh. bringing down the house would have been better. but EVERYONE'S reading it, which means library = nulllll.
so i hafta wait to read that.
for now, i can enjoy of mice and men for casey's class
stiff for my own pleasure
and angels and demons for my italy analysis
:)

heheh
this'll be a fun vaca,
gotta go finish my spring cleaning!
-reyi

hmmmm...

hmmm...

the last couple of days, whenever i'm like the farthest away from a computer, i scratch out all these philosophical, stupid ramblings for this space. and then i completely forget them or i null them in my mind because those thoughts become irrelevant. like my freaking out about chemistry. completely stupid. or my rambling on about something else stupid. that's all it is: stupid.

so. a real, untranscripted, scripted, or in any other way planned post.

i like my life.
like i know i made this type of post a couple of years ago, maybe even 2007. i don't know or care.
I just love this fact. because although things go wrong; people make mistakes. although life sucks, some people are just there. they are my rocks.
and i don't think i've ever really realized they were there.

like take those two to three months of almost oblivion. or obscurity. or just general frump time. i wasn't a frump dress-wise. or any other wise. i was social, just not at lunch.
and i really missed my so-called friends. the ones that now have their own time, zipcode, and life. the ones taht left me in the dust.
i reminisced about funny times. when i was funny. and why , during school or with certain people i just lose my sarcastic edge. my rhythm. it gets lost in the shuffle only to be found when around my kin or in my anger. in my most concentrated core.

and i really thought about who and how i am at my own optimal level.

and though it sounds really scientific the way i'm saying it, it just came down to what i was most comfy with and what i love most in people and whom i love most.

and before anyone judges me based on where i sit at lunch, i just have to say.
just because you like art, do you sit with the artsy fartsy kids?
just because you play golf, do you sit with the superjocks?
just because you play an instrument, does the whole band sit in one side of the cafeteria?

just because you have fob-like leniencies, do you sit with the fobs? (trick question: this answer is always NO. for a million reasons. reason #1: they are scary and creepy beyond compare!)



the answer is no. you have FRIENDS! of course!

and the answer way no for me too. and i did have friends too.
I had my "met through my family" friends with whom i share my ethnic background and my "met through school" friends with whom i used to share my academic/fun pursuits.
(and my "met through camp " friends . but that's a whole other ball game)
and because these worlds practically never connected, i was living a double life.
i was the cool one, the awesome one, the never afraid to say what comes into her head one with my family friends.
and the shy, nontalkative, crazy girl with my school friends.

no, i didn't have multiple personality disorder. or manic depression. or anything psychiatric. [trust me, i'd know]. i was just finding it easier to compartmentalize. be different people different places. until i realized that this taciturn, laughing, nonloquacious, smart but unresponsive, and unremarkably stupid person was not who i am. was. or strive to be.

it was all wrong.

what happened to my opinion on everything? my charm? my SMILE? did they rob me of it all?

in a way. i just wasn't comfortable. it wasn't their fault.

but i really thought we were friends. i had all these delusions. i guess they were very 12-year-old. i mean, they were based on a book series about magic pants. very delusional. very insane. and very accepted at the time. now i realize that those type of "forever" values do NOT exist. like really. you are who you are at this moment. and this moment can either make or break your happiness. for the longest time, my happiness was on hold.
i was waiting for friends who had long left on the train of life.
they were on to new adventures of sex, drugs, and rock and roll (minus the drugs) and i was getting lost in the old kiddie adventures of drama, mystery, and scifi LOL.

and then by taking the train into nowhere, middle of kansas, i learned so much.
i learned the meaning of social nothing.
awkwardness.
how it feels to have no people.
at least for a bit.
and it has to be the most souless time of the day: lunch.
lunch is very much a social endeavor. and quite lonesome if you're a party of one. the food is fine, but i honestly believe that i would have lost my mind. i would have yelled, screamed, etc. if i didn't have my music, my books, and my neuroscience. studying for brain bee was my only crutch. and with it gone, i could only barely last a month in my solitude.

and now i'm with my real, true friends.
the ones that never really left or will leave me.
the ones i can laugh about ANYTHING [ even if its nonsensical ] with.
the ones that don't care if i suck at math and don't judge my freakouts.
the ones that truly CARE.
and we don't need stupid photos or labels or have a need to tell each other every day that we love each other or ginormous groups or cliquey tendencies or anything else so contrived to proclaim our friendships. we just know.
and we don't fight because it's not worth the time we could rather laugh away or smile about some secret joke :)
and that's like wayyyy more valuable to me than any words can describe.
it's ineffable.
and it's infectious.
and i'm incredibly, incredibly, incredibly grateful.

i feel like ron.
"it's not much, but it's home." (hp 2)

i love you, neha & karishma and my little freshies, too :) <333

+ i REALLLY miss you alycia and ali <3
CTY 2007 ! best friends for lifeee.
+ DANG, you were my best friend, kid. and a lifesaver!


--- so thanks, if you care about me.
and no thanks if you left my life. i'll probably talk to you, but you know, it's on different terms than the past. what's done is done. we're friends, but you're not #1.

and please, people in the blagosphere, think about the important things. cuz yeah, when you look back on high school, you won't remember the hard classes or the A- you got in english freshman year. you remember the people who hurt you, the people that make you laugh, the people who send you to the asst. principal's office, the people that get you awards, and the people you love.
but mostly, the people you love.

<3,
maithreyi [yeah, that's my name. don't wear it out! ]