jitters. fritters. and do i care? ditters.

so.
i'm in the middle of dancingg.
and i'm actually liking it.
a lot.
i'm missing battle of the bands today, but kay says she'll make it up to me :)
so we're going to cute is what we aim for, as soon as i can get my daddy to buy the tickets which are only like 12$ each. and it's after school's out, so no probs. and we can probablyyyy use public transportation to get there! w00t!

so more word on the job front, but i'm thinking of working for earthbox or something. just something to keep busy and do something worthwhile. and i will do something in india for the misfortunate too. i loved teachin the slum children with shachi when i was 10, so why not do it again?

...and i need to dance three more dances to be done for today. off the hook. so i think i will...
then i want to go to MALLLL to get myself a rubik's cube :D i like itttt ! & it's fun. and dorky. and me. and it's hard to do correctly. i've been watching youtube videos and reading algorithms.

hehe :]
-maithreyi

nostalgia x1944943e

so. i absolutely cannot believe how much i've changed from last year.

last year i was worried about trivial things like..." omg, do my friends like me? do i have a pretty dress for semi? i hate life... "

but now-- i'm like super-serious about life.
i want to go to an elite university.
i want to live past june 8th, and hopefully enjoy june 8th.
i am not waittttting for the last sunday in june. which is actually a really sad feeling.

i used to anticipate this time of year.
when there was like maybe 30 days until i'd see grass i loved, people i loved more, and an experience i would literally die for.

now-- i'm not so sure.
i know i would do anything for it again, but to make my family pay that much? for no-interest in the learning?

i'm done. i learned what i could. any experience i had is now being repaid to me in my classes and my knowledge.

in/de is finally paying off in class. i know my sequences and such.

unag has always given me a leg up esp in the china department.

intro to lab helps me boast my lab experience. and definitely gave me some learning on how to structure my experiments which will help me this summer.

chem helped me grow. and realize how to ask for help. how to NOT do labs. how to clean up. how to be diligent when you reallllly don't get it.

neuro taught me the rest. everything else. how to deal with people. how to fight for your goals. how to work hard.
:)

+ the people.

i STILL to this day talk to deb, erica, jacqui, arun, christina, chelsea, and a few more people from 03.

empries, steph, and a few i can't remember from 04.

jamie [really from 04], crystal, brenda, angela, sean, sara from 05.

yisu, steph, diandra, yuting, soph, andrew from 06.


and

dang, crypto c, and my hall from 07 :)


so, friends for life?

possibly.
i mean, some of these forever friends are definitely forever. i mean, me and deb have known each other for like 5 years. we still talk. we still blog. we still listen. she sent me a christmas card this year :) <33
& we've only gotten closer over the years we haven't seen each other.
and the year we did, we grew.

we're different people now than we were when we were 10. but sometimes, i feel like nothing's changed.

sure, i've had experience in life. but all that means nothing when you think about friendship.

friends are forever. that much is true. if you stop being friends, it doesn't stop the fact thtat you were close at one point.

i mean, how else do TOTAL strangers become life-long lovers?

it's happened. there's a bunch of cty romances that ended in serious relationships. and a couple ended in MARRIAGEEE.

i mean, people grow close.
even in a short time. we yearn for companionship as human beings.


and when we are apart from those in our natural habitats, those in our newer surroundings are just as appealing. just as friendly. just as important in our lives as those we see every day back home.

which is why this nostalgia for the past isn't bad. never bad. it's just yearning for a separate time that will never be. it's yearning to be with those whom you enjoyed your time with.

it's yearning to be part of something bigger than yourself.
something everyone wants.
i want it again.

i know i'm going to be a cty ra.
and not a tip ra or some other stupid program. definitely cty.

because three letters can mean a whole life, friendship, love lost and found.
:)

happy to live life

have you ever had that moment when your mind just took like a snapshot of your life-- and you were unreasonably happy about it?

just now, as i talked to my dad on the phone, i felt like this sensation that hey, i'm doing something right. i think it was his chuckle that did it. to me, my dad's judgment is always more influential than my mother's because my dad doesn't constantly give input on everything. and most of the time if he does, it's negative-- cuz he wants me to be better. but to get good input, or to hear him care means the world to me.

so i just started to have those happy tears, you know the ones that stay in your eye, but put a glint of shine in them, naturally? those. and i just prayed. for happiness in the world, all ways and always.

i thought about how my family is amazing even though we're too close sometimes.

i thought about how lucky i am to have a family that cares.

i thought about how it is for people who dont. and those who didn't.
and i realized that for all the embarrassment they've caused, i love my family ten million times more than any friend that i've been embarrassed in front of.

and that's a really happy feeling. it's like a happy to live life type of feeling. i was literally hyperventilating when i was getting the computer up to get this out of me.

it's this amazing, calm, i'm-doing-things-right, awesome, powerful, happy feeling.

and i neverrrr want to let it go.

stressed beyond belief

hi, world!

so... this whole arangetram thing,
my idea?

omgg so much stresss.

i'm so nervous. i just have to hear from someone that it's gonna be alright.
and that i'm not gonna fall flat on my face
and mess up
and disappoint everyone.

preferably from someone who means it.
not someone who doesn't mean it.
or someone who says it just to pacify me.

and make me feel better enough to dance more.

i need realllllll support. and people to believe in me. so that i can believe in myself.
cuz people don't believe.
omg.
it's annoying.

people are annoyingggg.

but i'm trying to get over it.
build a bridge. and all that.

but i need time. sometimes people don't understand that either.

so now... i'm feeling better.
but i'm not sure what to do.

i'm gonna turn a new leaf-- be happy. but tomorrow.not today.

--maithreyi

new revelations & such

so. it's now 5/22 at the time of start.

i am feeling really interestingly apathetic towards life. numb, in fact.
opinionLESS.
i never thought i would, but it has come. i don't know why. my head really hurts though.
i think it's because of my "OMG. is this really happening? i can't take it!" explosion yesterday.
implosion, more like.
i'm surprised i'm still here.

also, i found a new love and therapeutic thing to do.
color on the walls in nontoxic, wash safe roseart markers.
well, not color. but list. list good things or goals.
it's like because they are on the wall, they'll actually come right.
and i can avoid blowing up.

that and coloring in my human brain coloring book [i kid you not. it exists! i'll scan a page in!]
has kept me from not going completely whacked.

tues was my ultra super happy fun meeting! it actually did go better than i had originally imagined! i honestly thought they wanted to meet me to tell me to give it up or try next year, not seriously do something now!
it felt good to immerse myself in neuroscience again, and to learn just a bit more.
and also not get shot down in something i really think i can do! and the lecture by dr[?] gross was superrr fabulous. i learned so muchh.

yesterday, was less fun than imagined.

today was better.
i discovered/actually started using twitter.
which i also discovered is wayyyyy not me/ not bloggy.

um... what else? ... i need new music.
like asap.

and i need to read.
so i think i'm going to either start my ap bio hmwrk [not happening. well, yet.]
or reread sophie's world. i actually have to do it though. not just pretend.

i need to re-get stiff, so that i can read it. and spook, cuz it sounds even better even though they are both by mary roach (gooooood sciencey book writer. they are like funny stories. must read)

and i need to read the host.
cuz everyone, regardless of whether they liked it or not, has tried it.
and i barely gave it a chance.

i feel like though this year isn't over YET. it nearly is. i mean, there's what? a couple of chapters of history left maybe cuz we're not even going past 1969.
- only a few weeks til vb final project is assigned.
- only a few weeks until catcher in the rye has been begun and finished
-few weeks until math is cruising.
- a few weeks of intense chemistry until we're done
- and a few weeks of 3 stages of latin so that we finish the year with green book completedd.

and then like a ginormous test on allllll of it. whoop whoop.
oh, and a few weeks til i'm certified in first aid and cpr!
haha. jkim [mitblogs] is like an EMT/ medlink person. i'm like a junior, junior , junior EMT. if someone collapsed in front of me, i would like maybe BARELY know what to do. i would get them help, maybe do cpr, but i sooo doubt i'd do it liek the lady on the video. [check the scene, check the victim, check for signs of life for only 10 sec... ] by the time i'd finish following the steps, the lady or sir would be LONGGGG deadddd! so, i guess we're all actually just certified in common sense. which i barely have. maybe. makes you feel a lot safer, no?

so... job at borders is still reallly pending. cuz they haven't called me, or my references, or anyone!

i should've applied to dunks when everyone else was.
at least i'd have some dough now. not that moolahh even matters to lowly little me. who wants to do research all the time for her life. and make like 0$ much to the dismay of my mommy, the supahhh banker. lol.

but, really. i should've thought out of the box.
i shouldn't have relied on others' ideas or jobs that 1993043903 people have.

but my thinking isn't really backed by what i know in a way.
i want too much. but wanting too much now will at least get me somewhere next year when i need to do my research in order to apply to like siemens or intel or something.

i know what i want. i'm just having a little trouble getting there.

and how come when i can write all this out, to the whole web 2.0, why oh why can't i write a freaking essay for school and get an A?


haha
all my opinions are back.
thank god.

oh, and twilight movie is gonna be soooo hot.
"when you can live forever... what do you live for?"
and... the infamous:
"EDWARD. you can't do this. she's not one of us!"

good decisions.

-deciding to run for election for treasurer. good decision, even though i didn't win.
-going for my dream on my own with no moderator or in-between = AMAZING decision. I emailed zealously at what? maybe 4ish pm yesterday. today, I already have like maybe 7 responses. some good, some bad. some direct, some indirect. but the point is--- they responded! I'm not a failure!
actually, i never thought i was. but i didn't think that they'd take me seriously unless an older more wise person advised them to. It's not a bad deal at all! I'm quite excited for all the possibilities this holds.

now i'm stuck in sanity.

start: 5/12/08
and i've seen it all, many times before.

so the year is winding down. next week is mcas. my first rehearsal is this sunday.

and i'm like freakinggg out.

arangetram is coming along swimmingly.

i'm being stupid to say that i suck.

i don't. i'm actually quite good.

my dancing is fabulous. i just need to make minor changes to improve. basically, now my mommy and ranjani auntie are just nitpicking. cuz what else are they supposed to do for a MONTH?

certainly not relax.

of course not! that's impossible.

[note the sarcasmmm]

but i haven't STUDIED for mcas.

i haven't started to look through notes for things for finals (that would be crazzy)

---
cont: 5/14/08

yeah. so nowadays, sleep only comes to me at or around midnight.
i am becoming nightowly.

and i have decided to try a buncha new things.
like
- mass email all the brain and cognitive science faculty! [if you are faculty, and somehow found this blog, and are annoyed, i am really sorry! and really desperate! i needdd to research this summer! ]

- tried applying for a parttime job @ borders! which i actually really want. cuz if i don't get to research, i'll at least get to read! a lot!
and drink yummy drinks from seattle's best coffee. which isn't quite starbucks, but is adequate. and sometimes better. and eat yummy coldstone! :)

- RAN FOR TREASURERRRRRR.
omg vote for me! :)
FOR CHANGE WE CAN SUCCEED WITH

=)

and i took it all seriously.
and made an amazinggg speech. quoting GANDHI :)
and i really think i have a big change on winning.

-JOINED robotics! after two years of straight make-funniness.
i did this cuz of FIRST. it's a big deal. and fun. and a great opportunity. so many MIT kids did it. and this opportunity came right after AMRITA got top 16 in the 2.007 robotics competition. where ranjani auntie was all ," if amrit can do it, anyone can!" so i thought i could :)


i'm excited for junior year.
ap world and ap bio. and i'm really considering electing to take ap psychology, just to be all badass and get a 5.
and FRC. which actually is in between the beginning of musical season and casting. so i don't know whether the play is in or not. depends on what play. and how i feel about it.
and BRBB again ! :) where i'll soooo wipe the floor with the seniors.

but right now i'm sooooo tired. the midnight oil is always burning. and i'm sooooo tired.

i think june 8th is really going to change my life.
i feel so accomplished about dance already.
i've come so far, and i have so little left to go.
i think i can get somewhere with this.

after i'm done with my arangetram: anything's possible.
i can conquer the world ! dance is so hard for me, anything will be easier!

=)

100!

100 !
i've made my mark.
i've reached the limit.
and it only took... like since 8th grade.
but i think i cheated. cuz i wrote like 60 posts in the last year.
they aren't evenly distributed.

so. i have nothing to say.
but i just wanted to say this.

and let's take a look back...

um. so since 8th grade:
i've been rejected by andover twice.
i've given up dance for like a year, came back changed, and now am completing my arangetram.
i found my stance on music and how i'm not very good at it because i never practice
and i'm not disciplined enough to actually practice.
i made true friends for life.
i had best friends, lost them, found them, got into a big fight with them, and drifted apart from them.
i went to cty two more times.
and managed to NOT learn chemistry. and love neuroscience.

i managed to meet and become friends with prolly 87 people out of CTY O7. which is a breakthrough cuz usually i stick to the 20 i have to meet.

i facebooked.
i learned more coding.
i managed to join like 10 clubs.
and join a team, and actually play (FIELD HOCKEYY)
and now i'm running for student council.

(MAITHREYI FOR TREASURERR!
SHE'LL MAKE THIS SCHOOL SO MUCH BETTER. )
LOL

i talked to people.
i delegated tasks (something i'd never do in middle school.)
i was frivolous, but responsible.

um. my courses next year are like sick.
i have to figure out how to take physics sooner rather than later:
am lit
adv topics
latin iv
ap world
lab
human phys
ap bio
:)
and senior year:
ap english
ap calc
lab
ap chem
web design
latin v
senior wellness


SICKKKK :)