new revelations & such

so. it's now 5/22 at the time of start.

i am feeling really interestingly apathetic towards life. numb, in fact.
opinionLESS.
i never thought i would, but it has come. i don't know why. my head really hurts though.
i think it's because of my "OMG. is this really happening? i can't take it!" explosion yesterday.
implosion, more like.
i'm surprised i'm still here.

also, i found a new love and therapeutic thing to do.
color on the walls in nontoxic, wash safe roseart markers.
well, not color. but list. list good things or goals.
it's like because they are on the wall, they'll actually come right.
and i can avoid blowing up.

that and coloring in my human brain coloring book [i kid you not. it exists! i'll scan a page in!]
has kept me from not going completely whacked.

tues was my ultra super happy fun meeting! it actually did go better than i had originally imagined! i honestly thought they wanted to meet me to tell me to give it up or try next year, not seriously do something now!
it felt good to immerse myself in neuroscience again, and to learn just a bit more.
and also not get shot down in something i really think i can do! and the lecture by dr[?] gross was superrr fabulous. i learned so muchh.

yesterday, was less fun than imagined.

today was better.
i discovered/actually started using twitter.
which i also discovered is wayyyyy not me/ not bloggy.

um... what else? ... i need new music.
like asap.

and i need to read.
so i think i'm going to either start my ap bio hmwrk [not happening. well, yet.]
or reread sophie's world. i actually have to do it though. not just pretend.

i need to re-get stiff, so that i can read it. and spook, cuz it sounds even better even though they are both by mary roach (gooooood sciencey book writer. they are like funny stories. must read)

and i need to read the host.
cuz everyone, regardless of whether they liked it or not, has tried it.
and i barely gave it a chance.

i feel like though this year isn't over YET. it nearly is. i mean, there's what? a couple of chapters of history left maybe cuz we're not even going past 1969.
- only a few weeks til vb final project is assigned.
- only a few weeks until catcher in the rye has been begun and finished
-few weeks until math is cruising.
- a few weeks of intense chemistry until we're done
- and a few weeks of 3 stages of latin so that we finish the year with green book completedd.

and then like a ginormous test on allllll of it. whoop whoop.
oh, and a few weeks til i'm certified in first aid and cpr!
haha. jkim [mitblogs] is like an EMT/ medlink person. i'm like a junior, junior , junior EMT. if someone collapsed in front of me, i would like maybe BARELY know what to do. i would get them help, maybe do cpr, but i sooo doubt i'd do it liek the lady on the video. [check the scene, check the victim, check for signs of life for only 10 sec... ] by the time i'd finish following the steps, the lady or sir would be LONGGGG deadddd! so, i guess we're all actually just certified in common sense. which i barely have. maybe. makes you feel a lot safer, no?

so... job at borders is still reallly pending. cuz they haven't called me, or my references, or anyone!

i should've applied to dunks when everyone else was.
at least i'd have some dough now. not that moolahh even matters to lowly little me. who wants to do research all the time for her life. and make like 0$ much to the dismay of my mommy, the supahhh banker. lol.

but, really. i should've thought out of the box.
i shouldn't have relied on others' ideas or jobs that 1993043903 people have.

but my thinking isn't really backed by what i know in a way.
i want too much. but wanting too much now will at least get me somewhere next year when i need to do my research in order to apply to like siemens or intel or something.

i know what i want. i'm just having a little trouble getting there.

and how come when i can write all this out, to the whole web 2.0, why oh why can't i write a freaking essay for school and get an A?


haha
all my opinions are back.
thank god.

oh, and twilight movie is gonna be soooo hot.
"when you can live forever... what do you live for?"
and... the infamous:
"EDWARD. you can't do this. she's not one of us!"