life in 2007

i'm looking back on life in general in this last year.
while listening to crash rock show :)
and i'm fixated on summer moments.
and stupid times i tried to stay in touch
but that's all over. and i have to get over it.
which makes me sadder than i'll admit.
and esp when i listen to certain music, facts about such things ache.
a lot.
i hate writing here sometimes, cuz it's a public blog. and certain people
from certain places
who are certainly not meant to read these confessions but at the same time are the only people with the right to read them. if that makes any sense.
anyways, this'll be a give in-- but i realllllly miss "nightswimming" near you. with you.
and if you're out there, i hope we can still be friends. good friends. like i hope we have been.

--
other than that-- 2007 was a year of epiphanies for me.
i realized andover wasn't for me. even though i was lost in that dream for the longest time.
i excelled academically and found my calling in one summer.
i found my career. neuroscientist.
i realized who i am.
i did important soulsearching.
i realized dance is something that i can't live without. and i actually do love doing.
i made important choices in my life. and prioritized.
i dreamed of things and those things are actually possible.

i met the most important and best people i've ever met in my life. besides my family of course.
and my current biffs.

i realized another year of amazing summer for the sake of amazing summer isn't worth it. even though i want so badly to go back to that moment.
i realized it's time to look to the future. and college. and careers. and goals.
and if fate has a plan,

60! + random thoughts

i'm in the middle of practicing my dancing for arangetram.
it's june 8th.
i can't wait, but practice is getting so nerveracking.
and i AM superpassionate about it NOW. but i don't feel strong, if that makes any sense.
like i go through the motions and emotions and everything comes out nicely. but i feel disjointed mentally from one to the next. and if i try to be strong it comes out better, but i dunno how to convey to my brain to be strong or think strong all the time. *sigh*.
and i can't stop writing poems or half-poetic thoughts about last summer.
esp about certain people. aghhh.
i wish i had had more time.
new year's is coming up... all i can think about is dance and mit.
and how somehow those two things are inextricably linked though they aren't.
and i keep skulking the mit ea and deferred as though i am among them when i won't be for another two years.
i can't wait to be there, though. somehow, i feel like everything since andover has made me a better person and this time i'll come out on top.

for now, all i can do is dance.
=)

christmas.

i know a lotta people out there hate secularism.
i used to tout that too, i think.
but then i realized that everything we do is secular. derived from different cultures and blended and melded together.
then celebrations, no matter which ones, should be shared.
so, happy christmas.
sure, i don't get presents per se, but i do get the pleasure of family. and friends. and laughter.
and that is enough, i suppose.

course ideas for my junior year.

next year plan?

latin iv
ap world
english 3
adv topics
physics
ap bio
study/gym

i need to either get rid of history. latin. or ap bio. :[
i'm soooo not getting rid of ap bio at all. latin probably or probably not. i REALLY don't want to get rid of ap world. but that's probably what it'll come down to.
all this for elective.
arghhh. i hate electives.
i just want to be able to take ap bio AS an elective so that i can just use the above as my schedule. and then do like after school band or something.

i feel dumb.

my psat scores came in. 196. i was disappointed, but not dead.
rauntie says i need at least one 80 next year esp in math if i want to be a scientist.
and i need at least one 800 on the sat preferably in math next year on the sat.
and she's right.
i want mit.
mit wants 760-800 on math.
they could practically care less verbally.
:[
booo hooo.
this makes me have to start studying NOW for the sats.
blah.
i want to kill.
but i just want to get into college.

today was an early release.
i feel kinda like i have been early releasing.
i haven't been consistent in my effort in anything but dance.

that's got to change so that i can go intern this summer.
i have like 8 to 10 programs i'm applying to.
i need to do well now in order to stand a chance in those programs.
dance is so fun now. i'm enjoying getting better and better. even if i practice like a half hour, it's a good half hour of practice. :P
i'm so happy for my senior friends! results are coming for early decision this month. they're all psyched. i'm so happy for them because they've achieved what they wanted.

it's a thrill to see them so happy, even online.
i can't wait for when that is me. that is me going far from home so soon and learning how to live and what to learn for my career. i can't wait for that feeling. i think and dream about it so much. i'm not like transfixed on it, but i want it. more than this moment, i want the chance to have that moment.
:P

i'm way better than alive !

hahaha. so see that post below about how worried i was? i worried for absolutely nothingg! my english grade was an A. and i got an A+ in math and vb! and history was a solid A, along with everything else! no A-s! yay! so excited right noww :) and i'm getting nhs! w00t! w00t! sooooo psyched :] and i'm actually emotionally happy too.
so what if only neha and kay*(LOL) are the only people i'm my crazy realll self around? they're all i need. three musketeers: curly, mo, and shmoe <33 foreverr! i'm so happy right now. dance is going so well too! temple day dance went extremely well! kausalya auntie praised me! i'm so happy about many facets in my life. i need to work a little harder in school, but besides that i'm a happy soul. guitar is wicked fun as well. i'm getting so close to SONGS, i can almost taste it. Today's college forum was good. I talked to the MIT EC for this area about my neuroscience dreams. he was supportive, even saying that this decade is the decade of neuroscience :) i can't wait to get into the field. i hopeeee that i figure out a worthwhile way to spend my summer so i can achieve it.
:) :) :)

FH is over. 1 quarter down, 3 more to go.

I've barely made it out alive.
VB ---absolutely no idea.
Gym--Honors? wha?
Lit--HOPEFULLYYYYY A-. first and last time i will ever say that.
Algebra--A+ woohoo! :)
Latin--94! yay! even with all those 80s!
history- boo. i don't care. i can't pretend to not be apathetic. actually, i can. one...two...all gone. this man cannot teach. i cannot pretend to learn anything from him much longer.
chemistry--as of now, 94. as of tomorrow, i hope it stays that way.

so, remember that post about a two months ago about how i hate myself in burlington?
well, not much has changed. i'm trying so hard to be my crazy self. but i'm just a big stuttering, inarticulate mess.
and that too, i'm only this when around neha, aakansh, zill, krina, and brinda.
oh well, you gotta start somewhere.
i just realllllllllly miss dang, ali, alycia, zoe, etc. and every time we bostonians try for a reunion, we mess up.
i reallllllly need one. i'm dying. my spirit has flown. literally. i feel like the corpse of my former self. i feel as though i am stuck like this thing people know me as and i have no way of ever getting myself out. which makes me fall deeper.
especially with the humanities this year. i have no idea what it is, but my skill level has dropped. exponentially. from this year and last in history. well, i have a very good idea why. costa, no matter what he is outside of the classroom, cannot teach ME history. maybe his manic methods work for someone. they do NOT work for me. i'm suffering. i'm like one of those birds you see at the side of the road, wing broken, waddling upward, and then kerplank, boom-down. dead.
casey is just an enigmatic, fool of a fear mongering teacher. he tries to throw our minds for a loop every time he talks. but the thing is, most of what he tells us is fact. so it does instill fear. fear to speak up. at least in me. he seems as though he wants obedience and discipline in his students while discussing in a nonchalant way. i don't like it. he makes me feel like i am being x-rayed. maybe it's those constant scans. i liked him as a teacher until he told us about that court case. i really did not need to hear that. :[

i hope the end of field hockey shows an upshoot in my grades and dance performance level. i know i can do even better than i did at vijayadeshmi if i try and practice harder.
i'm pretty excited to rejoin and participate in the clubs i'm part of.
stupid first term.
better get high honors.
i'm going to KILL for it.
:[

FH is over. 1 quarter down, 3 more to go.

I've barely made it out alive.
VB ---absolutely no idea.
Gym--Honors? wha?
Lit--HOPEFULLYYYYY A-. first and last time i will ever say that.
Algebra--A+ woohoo! :)
Latin--94! yay! even with all those 80s!
history- boo. i don't care. i can't pretend to not be apathetic. actually, i can. one...two...all gone. this man cannot teach. i cannot pretend to learn anything from him much longer.
chemistry--as of now, 94. as of tomorrow, i hope it stays that way.

so, remember that post about a two months ago about how i hate myself in burlington?
well, not much has changed. i'm trying so hard to be my crazy self. but i'm just a big stuttering, inarticulate mess.
and that too, i'm only this when around neha, aakansh, zill, krina, and brinda.
oh well, you gotta start somewhere.
i just realllllllllly miss dang, ali, alycia, zoe, etc. and every time we bostonians try for a reunion, we mess up.
i reallllllly need one. i'm dying. my spirit has flown. literally. i feel like the corpse of my former self. i feel as though i am stuck like this thing people know me as and i have no way of ever getting myself out. which makes me fall deeper.
especially with the humanities this year. i have no idea what it is, but my skill level has dropped. exponentially. from this year and last in history. well, i have a very good idea why. costa, no matter what he is outside of the classroom, cannot teach ME history. maybe his manic methods work for someone. they do NOT work for me. i'm suffering. i'm like one of those birds you see at the side of the road, wing broken, waddling upward, and then kerplank, boom-down. dead.
casey is just an enigmatic, fool of a fear mongering teacher. he tries to throw our minds for a loop every time he talks. but the thing is, most of what he tells us is fact. so it does instill fear. fear to speak up. at least in me. he seems as though he wants obedience and discipline in his students while discussing in a nonchalant way. i don't like it. he makes me feel like i am being x-rayed. maybe it's those constant scans. i liked him as a teacher until he told us about that court case. i really did not need to hear that. :[

i hope the end of field hockey shows an upshoot in my grades and dance performance level. i know i can do even better than i did at vijayadeshmi if i try and practice harder.
i'm pretty excited to rejoin and participate in the clubs i'm part of.
stupid first term.
better get high honors.
i'm going to KILL for it.

I'm getting back into the rhythm of things. My average in math is a 97 or 98, and chem is 97, and history is like vuteverr, english is a ninety somethingg. [i hate his quizzess] vb is AHH i don't know. latin is a ninety something too cuz of quizzes.

So the important subjects [for ION] are working out perfect.

sooo sad that i'm already counting down til ION gives info online to sign up.
really sad.
cuz that's in JANUARYY. :[
i'm retardedd.

i'm feeling pretty low right now

i really miss a lotta people. esp ali, alycia, dang, and the rest of crypto. im missing my hall too. i miss roxy who'd comfort me and was my cty protegee. i miss steph and zoe and their antics. i miss me and zoe's weird explosions. we watched the safety video the other day, i was completely bittersweet. the next and last time i'll see it will be in school. in ap chem. i won't ever experience the cty safety video ever again. and i try to move on, but am constantly pulled back to cty. it frightens me. i never feel as comfortable with people as when i'm at cty. and i really miss that safety. where meeting everyone was a must, everyone was cool, and being overly nerdy was impossible. here i feel alienated. hated. unloved. banished. and unsure of myself. i don't feel confident in my own skin. i hate my identity when im here. i suppose it's my fault; i have my different personalities. like i'm a completely different person in different situations. most times in this stupid town, i'm an unsure girl who's smart but confused at how to articulate herself. outside of this town, i've established that i'm crazy, sometimes completely lacking common sense, and all around clear in my opinion. like i TOLD the cty administration what i thought was different about last year than my previous years. right off the bat. i didn't hide or act like i loved anything i didn't. and if i didn't like something, i argued my point. not in a bad way or overly defiant, just like someone who has a difference of opinion who should be heard.

i miss it. i miss being myself. i hate this. i absolutely hate not knowing who i am and who my real friends are. it's the worst feeling ever. i just want my friends. but i can't have them. they live too far. i just want to hug them. but i can't. and it absolutely sucks.

end of summer

THE END HAS COME

the summer has been amazing
field hockey all the time, CTY, chicago, etc :)

hanging with friends has been good too <3

sigh, it's over now though.

<333
:) :) :)
[: [: [:


school is starting.
sched isn't hard.
1 [vb -- murphy]
2 [gym/ help ford-- ford/gustafson]
3 [soph lit-- casey]
4 [alg 2--liljegren]
5 [latin III--debellis]
6 [us history--costa]
7 [chem--potters]

i'm excited about

5Oth post since last april. yeahh. april 2006.

yup. i've been bloggering for a year and a half.
and i'm up to my fiftieth.
i think that's rather sad.
=P
i resolve to at least write more this year.
not necessarily here where everyone can see all the time
but somewhere.
i wrote some poetry the other day.
it sucked, but i got the emotions out.
the frustrating summertime emotions...
that make me sad sometimes.
+ haunt me still.
:[

but moving onnn.
today was weird.
i walked all the way to rec field.
it took 45 minutes.
then i played fh for 3 hours.
but it was like skills and drills.
stuff i already kinda sorta knew, but it was more structured so i learned it better i guess.
i still need to go running besides that tho.
so i think i'm gonna run at like six.
then after that, i'll walk to rec.
then after rec field practice, i'll visit band camp :)
yay! LOL <33

always improving my semi-fun life,
reyi-reyi-ski-wat-in-tat-in.

end of summer. well , almost!

So. It's mid-august. Today was pretty awesome. hanging with the incoming seniors. chilling at the mall with cool cats LOL. i'm never cool. even if i do hang out with cool people from time to time. i'm still not gonna be magically cool. but it was reallly fun even though everyone ditched us and didn't go to poetry club, i think it's gonna be a fun year with them :]
the mall after was fun too, even tho the experience was short-lived.
our adventure was quite exciting.
and i hate that gameee! =P

and i sadly didn't get to go to fh today. because my father wasn't feeling in the mood to drive me.
:[
but whateverrr, there's a sleepover on thursday. and i'm excited cuz i really want to go and have fun with the team :] and bond and stuff.

clinic is this week too.
i'm excited to better work my limited fh skills! LOL

i'm exciteddd.
for this year. i really think it'll be different. a better reyi. the one from camp.
the one that met people she didn't know and had no inhibitions.
i want to be her. because maybe that'll redefine this boring place i live. and make it exciting.
it worked for loudonville. i hated it until i made it fun.
:)
so that's my approach. everything with a smile.
maybe it'll work. <33

august...

So, it's about midsummer now. I don't feel like I've done anything worth while. Well, some things were, but I haven't gotten that "Living life on the edge" feeling lately, and it is making me kind of sad. I mean, chilling with my friends was pretty cool before CTY. Then CTY itself was so amazing in that I met tons of people who've changed my perspective and strengthened my goal. And CTY made me more active. Thank God. I feel so good now because I've been running and keeping in shape. It feels so good! Endorphins. adrenalin. Neuroscientists, call it what you want, but this feeling is why I love learning and why I love being active. My schedule came a long time ago. I have Visual Basic first. Then Gym for four days a week besides thursday, I think. Then I have language arts, then algebra ii, then latin iii, then US history ii, then chem. I'm pretty excited for chem because so far there's a lotta other kids I'll know in there!
So this is gonna be my spot for my philosophical ramblings. Right now I feel like I have a ravaging animal within me that needs to be released. Not through exercise or a run, but by being with other people who understand. After CTY, the only people I've been missing seriously are Ali, Alycia and Crypto C. They were like my best friends, and they got it. Alycia comforted me after the last dance when no one else was there to help me out from the rut I was in. Ali, though tired, did answer her door at like 6:15 in the morning when I came by. They helped me in so many ways they probably don't even know. And I haven't had a chance to talk to either of them seriously since that last day.
And YISU! I miss her still, so much. We just clicked as roomies. We still talk, but I really wish she lived closer or I lived closer to her because we could've been even closer than we already are. She's the first one to pop into mind when I think best friend. And she's the best mentor ever. She's guided me through so much already. I know we'll be friends forever :P
Thank god I'm playing field hockey because if I wasn't doing a sport this year, I would be SO FREAKIN BORED IN THIS FREAKIN HOUSE! I'd be doing legit NOTHING all day. Thank heavens I upped the ante and went for it, both at CTY and here in this stupid town. I'm actually really excited for the season. Hanging with karish and neha, then hanging with amy and katie, and then just meeting more people and becoming friends. It's so much better than just school!
I'm glad I've finally seen the light. I don't have to do band to have fun, though it would've been much easier. I'm friends with more than half the seniors in band anyways. And I met them other ways. And yeah, I'm probably not their closest sophomore friend, but I'm still one of their friends. I know I've been saying I'll do band next year or something, but honestly, I think ever since I saw how competitive MIT is or even EMORY is, I don't think that's actually gonna happen. I need human phys, AP Bio, AP Chem. The most rigorous courses BHS offers if I even WANT a chance to be considered serious for the neurosci programs! People say that I'm overly nerdy. I'm not even the top in class rank. THAT'S GOTTA CHANGE. If it doesn't, I'm screwed.
The only reason I'm like this at all is because I have a dream. I have a plan. I have goals! And I'm headstrong. And need to get those goals accomplished for my own self-sanity and pride.
So I need to get into ION. No, I don't want to get into ION. ION isn't an option. It's a NEED. I want to research for my summer. I want to spend my time south and get to see Emory and the other medical institutions there. I want to go to college at a good academic college. Be it a California state one (which are good at neuro), MIT, or emory which has the research facilities, and the people. I have this dream now. And that's gonna fuel me through my high school years. Sure, I'll have fun in high school, but that's not the POINT of high school. The point of high school is to learn, grow, and become someone prepared for the real world. The real world says that to get a decent job, the high school grad must go to college. I just want to go to a good college for the major i want. And the fact I've decided my major already, in my sophomore year of high school, only says I'm driven. And focused. And maybe a little insane. But do you blame me? I'm an intellectually curious girl who learns when she's given time off.
I have limits though. And PSATing is really setting them.
When the Kaplan book says do a couple chapters per week if you have 8-10 weeks,
my parents say "DO THREE HOURS!"
(it takes a half hour to do like one chapter)
that's just inane. I'm not gonna get more outta 3 hours of psat than 1 hour esp this early.
It doesn't even freakin COUNT this time. Studying just puts me way ahead of the other sophomores. LOL i'm still aiming for like a 222 anyways :P
I know I could do it, I just have to prove it. I should probably study some Chem before school starts too...

SUPERFANTASTICALLY,
reyi-reyi the

summer

i love summer cuz it's so free.
i'm loving my new active self
and i'm loving playing sports.
so much. it's a lifesaver
and a life filler
:]
i'm SO HAPPY.

even PSATing isn't getting me down cuz i don't suck as bad as i thought i did.
17/18 - math diagnostic!
23/24!- verbal <3

LOL
i'm a nerdie.
so sue me !
:]

so imma gonna eat now.
and then cupid's shuffle <3
and then run at like 5
then field hockey at 6 ! <33

CTY <33

I MISS YOU
I LIKE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I CTY YOU <3

bad day

"... 'cuz you've had a bad day, you're taking one down, you sing a sad song just to turn it around ..."

HMMMMM.
today was interesting.
i didn't want to go to school cuz of the wonderful extra day off we had.
but i did.
it wasn't that bad.
but i didn't like my essay.
gym was 'kay.
history was BORING.
theater was BLAHHH.
latin is okay.
bio made me angryyyyyy.
geom was fine :)
but i listened to WONDERFULLLLLLLL wiz rock at new orleans !
<3


making me happyyyy.

& the song "traveling soldier" is really sad !
:P
:] <3
maithreyi

end of the year

it's coming.
i can't wait.
only 55 days til my birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
+ about 25 til CTY !
yay !


honestly, i think i'm losing my mind.
but i'm still getting high honors !
:)

end of the year

it's coming.
i can't wait.
only 55 days til my birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
+ about 25 til CTY !
yay !


honestly, i think i'm losing my mind.
but i'm still getting high honors !
:)

i love my new hairrrrrrrrrrrrrrr<33
& spiderman.
:)
oh, yeahhhhh !
& just having my time to rock out and just beeeee :]

time is winding down.
30 days til end of school.
40 til nerdieeexloveeeeee :)
+ 66 til HAPPY BiRTHDAY TO REYi !
=P

i can't believe ittttttttt

OMG.
i really can't believe it.
it's been a month since i have been on here.

this is so odd.

i feel so different than last year when i started blogging here.
i feel more lax about life, probably because i do less things than last year.
:)

i can also attribute it to the fact that my friends are more lax than my friends were last year.
semi-formal will be really fun.

i love my dress.
& my new hair.
new hair is inspiring :P

new music love : the veronicas !
heavily broken. =P

update

UM . i didn't get in ... YETT .


=]

next week i'll find out for sure , but i really think i made it this year .

les miserables was amazing .
i made so many new friends & it was so great to be part of such an amazing show .
=]
i love the music from it .
=]

and that's about it .

my life .

i'm so lucky .
i have a great family .
good friends ..

and a good , filled lifee .

andover may accept me in march .
i'm going to my first real concert .
i'm performing in my first musical .

i'm doing more community service than i ever have .
i feel good about myself .
and i am doing well in school .
i'm not a perfectionist , which is good because if i was , i wouldn't allow myself to enjoy life .
i enjoy what i do as well as doing it well .
i am dancing . and well.
i am performing many times this yearr .
i am going to start my soph year strongly . no matter where i go to school .
i feel a real passion for music .
i know i'm going to CTY and meeting a new group of nerdies who will influence my life more than they will ever know . but considerably less than past years .
no one will match yisu's wit . everr .
i am learning a ton in every class .
i know taht i am not perfect , but i try hard . and that's what counts .
i don't give importance to grades , but rather to how much i've learned .
biology is my passion , and i love all sciences .
i have found what i plan on making my career : i want to be a biomedical engineer when i grow up . specializing in brain research particularly genetics and the brain .
i know no matter where i am , i'll be able to reach this high goal i have set for myself .
i know who i am , i know what i want , and i know how to go about attaining it .
i know who i want for friends , i know what i shouldn't judge in friends , and i know that sometimes , the best friends are the friends who have always been there for you .
i knoww that i am good at performing in general .
i know what skills i have , which ones i need , and which ones i should work on.
i know what i need to work on in any facet in my life .
i pray when i feel i need closure , protection , and encouragement in my dreams .
i love everything in my life in a different way . even if i show dislike , i love how that person inspires me not to be like them .
i need to figure out how to be a better person in general .
in reference to attitude , i wouldn't say i'm a pessimist or optimist , i'm trying to figure out how to be an optimist at all times .
i love laughingg .
it's my favorite .
i have friends . <3
i have a life .
i am maithreyi .