losing sight of what's good. and what's true.

some guidelines i should follow... maybe they'll give me more focus.

"Ten Commandments of Paramacharya

1. One of our duties as human beings is to avail ourselves of every opportunity to do good to others. The poor can serve others by their loyal work to the country and the rich by their wealth to help the poor. Those who are influential can use their influence to better the condition of the lowly. That way we can keep alive in our hearts a sense of social service.
2. Man by himself cannot create even a blade of grass. We will be guilty of gross ingratitude if we do not offer first to God what we eat or wear – only the best and choicest should be offered to Him.
3. Life without love is a waste. Everyone should cultivate “Prema” or love towards all human beings, bird and beast.
4. Wealth amassed by a person whose heart is closed to charity, is generally dissipated by the inheritors: but the family of philanthropists will always be blessed with happiness.
5. A person who has done a meritorious deed will lose the resulting merit if he listens to the praise of others or himself boasts of his deeds.
6. It will do no good to grieve over what has happened. If we learn to discriminate between good and evil, that will guard us from falling into the evil again.
7. We should utilize to good purpose, the days of our life-time. We should engage ourselves in acts, which will contribute to the welfare of others rather than to our selfish desires.
8. We should perform duties that have been prescribed for our daily life and also be filled with devotion to God.
9. One attains one’s goal by performance of one’s duties.
10. Jnana is the only solvent of our troubles and sufferings.

I need to find purpose and strength in the things I do. I need to understand that some things I just need to complete, and not look back on--and it's hard for me because I like thinking that things have purpose. I don't want to do the things that don't contribute to my goals. It's hard to motivate myself to do these things...but i I just did them instead of thinking about doing them, maybe I would be better of. I keep thinking about why I came to California. Why SC? I feel like at the time, and even now, there's some PURPOSE in my being here that I haven't yet discovered. This is in the plan that God has for me, but I don't know how. I had othesr goals, but I felt this push to come here. Somehow, it will make sense. but I need to work. I don't know how to work in the ways that this school wants, but I must. I feel like college has killed that spirit in me. that ambition to succeed because i feel like I personally know where my story ends, and I know that I will achieve that because, i mean, what else have these last 3 years been about? This doubt in myself that is forming. the ideas that i'm not thriving like I expected I would and therefore I am less of myself take over. and i'm not proud that I seep to that emotion. I am not proud that when I call my father he can hear the doubt and frustration and anger and sadness in my voice, even though I did feel re-inspired after meeting him and my family. This place has turned from paradise in those first days where I was discovering people who were so receptive to me and ideas that I loved into things that I know don't contribute to my future goals and no REAL true close friends to turn to. other people have carved niches. people who they can call in case of a true need or emergency. I have none here. I have no family here. I have no people who care about me here. All my negativity springs from these voids of merit and voids of personal contact. I have no friends to plan sleepovers with. I have no friends to give me purpose, even fleeting, from one day to the next.

And I don't know if it's just a me thing, but this lack of motivation, this feeling that -- What's the point? keeps getting to me. I KNOW i just have to trudge on... and if I do, the grades may follow, but trudging on is hard when you've lost the will to do so. college grades do not really depict one's knowledge or understanding or ability. they depict how you play the game. The winners are often not necessarily the smartest, but the ones who know how to play the system better than the others. Know how to answer the right questions, not the wrong ones.

I feel like half my posts lately have been about this lack of motivation i've been feeling.
and that bothers me.
and it's pervading my existence.

i feel like it's because i judged myself so long on what i am to become: a neuroscientist.
I have known this fate of mine, and to now have that questioned as " are you really a neuroscientist, maithreyi? how come you aren't doing well? " throws me.
maybe i'm NOT a neuroscientist.


but I want to be one.
& that should be what matters.


AND I AM GOING TO GET THERE! I AM GOING TO DO WELL! I AM GOING TO LEARN BIOLOGY AND DO WELL ON MY FINAL! AND MY PAPERS WILL BE WRITTEN!
but it's a process.
like dad says, it's a marathon, not a sprint.


a definite future neuroscientist in some form,
maithreyi

mata pita guru devum. <3

praying to hanuman + listening to one's parents = things work out for the best.

... it's no secret the last 3 weeks have been me at my homesick worst. i can practically not function because i feel like i haven't found my people here and i can't go home to where I belong.

it makes it hard to do work because though that's the only thing left, it's lonely. it feels purposeless even when i KNOW it has purpose in my life goals.

i did pedal it out and study lots from when i was sick and catalina onward, but evidently, i still need to work harder. college is hard. i have come to accept that. college is far from home-- also a fact i must come to accept. college is filled with new faces. college is trying. college is growth. college is thought laughter and more thought. college is not about making friends; it's about learning more than one thinks is possible.

but going home will help ease all that tension. yes, I have lots of work for the trip. but it's easier to do knowing that my family's there for me. if i could hold on to that feeling, that inner peace that those thoughts give me, i would be fine. my parents are my best friends, truly, because no one else could ever know me better. they know the look on my face when i'm genuinely happy and when i'm faking it--even over skype. they know when i'm in pain, they know when i need them. and them helping me through this transition by realizing I truly need them is all i could have prayed for. I need their help. for one of the first times since my childhood, i need their help with schoolwork. it shouldn't be so hard to admit. i need them to ease me and help me work through it all. I can't wait to make them proud next semester. I know I can achieve all that I think that I am capable of. I know I can. It may take time, but I am not unskilled. I know I can achieve these lofty goals that I have set for myself. I know I can.

xoxo,
maithreyi. my mom will see me in like, a day and 6 hours + or - a few hoursss.
woooooooo!!!!
I CANNOT WAIT TO BE HOMEEE. <3

gaining perspective & vlogbrothers/nerdfighting awesomeness

I put it into perspective.

I'm in this life with a purpose: and while I don't KNOW the purpose, I can live my life purposefully and do my dharma, or duty, properly. right now, that dharma consists of surviving 4 years of college, learning college material, and obtaining both my high school diploma and my college bachelor's degree & minor certificate while helping and bringing light to the lives I see along the way. I think the organizations I have chosen to be part of and the things I had done in high school towards human rights reflect that I'm a very "big-picture" person. If things are trivial, what's the point? I'm one for saving the world, and making myself see that writing a mundane lab report about bacteria was a step along the way to achieving my goals and dreams was hard, but helped me get through it.

There truly ISN'T great value in a college degree education in society anymore. It's now just another stepping stone. Another rite of passage one must attain in order to enter rightfully into adulthood and job-hunting or professional schools or graduate school! MY FUTURE! where you go for that stepping stone degree, i now know, only reflects wants and needs and means. I am at USC now because the type of education is suited to my personality: I like learning about lots of things deeply. I like deep neuroscientific research that ultimately helps others, and I also like directly helping others. I struggle daily with "why should I write a paper about "Othello"?" but, then I realize that writing that paper about "Othello" will help me learn to think deeply about things, and thinking deeply about what people are trying to convey, even Shakespeare from so long ago, helps one to use those skills in present day empathy and communication. It would have a role in my analysis of scientific papers in that I could look beyond the facts on the page, and see the scientist behind that writing... Still, doesn't make it any easier to write. And another reason I'm at USC instead of a more professional school like that of which my friends are pondering is because I like to think. I am an academic. I am not well-suited to clocking in and what I deem a purposeless existence. I'm like my mother in many ways, but I am not like her in that I can be content to bring an optimistic spirit to a job that I only moderately enjoy. I envy the way she took on banking and made it something that she enjoys doing everyday. Making it more about connecting with people and trying to help them even when times are tough and she has to push accounts in the worst financial crisis this country has seen in a long time. When people don't have that money to put in an account. I feel like I need to learn from her, and I am. I don't necessarily love every aspect of college: the vast crowds of people who don't know your name, the stress and emphasis placed on grades that won't matter once you go on in life: life is based on living-- not values like A, B, C, D, & F!, the general masses that drink and smoke and be immoral on weekends just because they can be, the feeling that nobody cares--because that's true for the majority. people are very self-involved. empathy is hard to come by. opening my heart to others and helping others even when they are using you or are not true to you is not in my beliefs. I am friendly to everyone, and I don't mean to be judgemental, but I am totally that way. It's not something I can help: I just analyze people. The way they act towards others and how they value their self reflects so much in ways of how as a friend I would be valued by them. Making friends here is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I mean, initially, everyone was new and a "friend", but then assessing who is actually a "friend" and who is just another run of the mill noncarer is much harder than one thinks. I was really feeling like I had shed that facade that I had in high school-- that block that keeps me from interacting with others that I KNOW are different than myself. Now I can break that wall, and I can interact closely with others --but that difference doesn't go away. You can't fake reality and true friendship. If people don't mix, they just don't mix. It's like me and "Groups". I had a good "group" back in middle and early high school that I thought that I knew was mine and that I belonged. I knew that some of the values and things that I held dear were so foreign to these so-called friends of mine, but I didn't share and accept and discuss. I was young. I was scared to scare them or that they'd think I was weird. I felt the need to be like every other kid in that group. I wore things I wouldn't normally wear. I said things I wouldn't normally say. I watched things I wouldn't normally watch. I was part of things that I enjoyed, but that didn't feel like they fit with me. I mean, everyone must do that once or twice in their lives. Get that good yet scary feeling of trying something new, testing the waters, but if you're sure that it isn't you--don't do it. The values that I did appreciate in my old "group" were that of loyalty, straight-edgeness, and fun before stress. Looking back, I definitely would have-been part of that group. It helped define me in that I wasn't following what all the Indian girls were doing. I was different. I liked different. I liked that this group appreciated what I appreciated, but at the end of the day, really deep things NEVER were brought out. I hid the things that made me different from the others in this group instead of spotlighting them and helping my friends to understand me more. I didn't explain my faith to them. I didn't share my dance with them more than just performing. I didn't help them to understand what ties me to my homeland and my family and WHY my family was so close. I didn't share my secrets. I made up some secrets. I didn't want to admit that I felt weird talking about liking boys because I didn't really think about them like that yet because of my familial values. I didn't show pride in my family's closeness and spending time together in public though now that I look back, I realize we had something that not many families do anymore. I didn't stick steadfastly behind my morals and I grew from that, but I also now have learned better. I have learned my lessons. I know that I want to share my deeper feelings with my friends. I want them to know how I think, why, and what makes me who I am. I feel like some of my friends never got it. I feel like some of them never did.

I want to make a difference in this world. I want to affect change in some meaningful way that shows that I had a stake in helping improve humanity in some form while I was here. I want the world to have shifted in SOME FORM since I came onto this planet and remember my name. Not physically, or like being in history books or something, no no. I want something simpler. I want those who I have met to at least have a smile on their face when they think about me and what I have done. As my first semester of college winds down, this question of PURPOSE and WHY and WHAT NEXT? have been just taunting me in my head. I know my plan: phd neuroscience, post-doc, etc onward and onward til I achieve that professorship and lab under my name, but how does that benefit humanity and human rights? how does my working on neuroscientific matters affect those who cannot voice themselves as I am doing or those in poverty or homeless or hungry or in NEED of some help and support and smiles and hugs. I know I want to work in diseases and disorders. I know that I want to help people become better versions of themselves, but is this really done just through research? I love the field of neuroscience, and I urge all scientific people to go into that field, and I am definitely mostly getting my degree in those studies still, but my minor, I am clear, must reflect some action. I want to do the non-profits minor now because it seems to be with purpose built in. The people who take the minor most likely want to work in non-profit organizations. I feel like these organizations do so much for the world. ASPIRE is one of them, and in many ways so is Amnesty International and the UN and its multiple organizations. The 84 is a non-profit too, I think but by way of the government. (?) I feel like academically learning about nonprofits and volunteering from the perspective of 'how-to' in some fashion would help me to form this purposes I want in my life. I want to affect change in a large manner. I want it to be lasting. I don't know how yet, but Hanuman is guiding my path. I will make a difference.


xoxo,
maithreyi

complacency: it's getting me.

yay, more prewritten blog posts! :)
i've been thinking more deeply since i've taken a break from longboarding since I need to do maintenance and have been walking around campus today...
here it goes:
---
I feel like ever sine I dropped chemistry last week, in my effort to study MORE, I've fallen into complacency and a feeling of endless time. The fact is I have hours of time that used to be chemistry and now they are biology, writing, and "fear of diversity", but I feel like there's more I could be doing. There's always so much more!

I think since I miss neuro so much, I'll pull out my binder and my ol' textbooks, and just go to town. Treat it like another class: read the literature, and get prepared for sending out my CV to the neuro dept and keck for SOME legitimate neuroscience research experience next semester. I owe it to my starving brain! I owe it to my family! I owe it to myself: I came here to get started, not to be a lowly freshman with nothing to her name.

I've been praying more regularly too, the ritualistic routine ones. I'm more stable spiritually, but though I have BOUGHT a barebone, cheap translation of the Gita, I have yet to take that leap and read and interpret. I'm reluctant to do so because all my life, my mom and Ranjani Auntie have majorly determined how I see things spiritually. I have never dictated my own faith, really. And I think I'm scared to see where that takes me, but I also WANT that voice of guidance and understanding. I want someone to tell me what it means, what I should get from it, with authority. I don't know if what I will get from reading it will be the "right" things...but I probably should give it a shot, like anything else.

I just listened to my dad's speech at my Arangetram, it popped up on my iPod's shuffle songs. I feel like shuffle songs just knows what I'm thinking: this morning, I was just singing "Blister in the Sun" and then later, when I turned on shuffle, that was the very first song... but I digress. My dad. he was talking about why Indian parents, like him, make their daughters go to dance class: 'to keep hem connected to Indian culture and ethos.' And that's so true. I feel like in comparison to other Northies who put together Bhangra and Bollywood routines, I am filled and immersed with cultural understanding through my dance that I would not otherwise have a passion or interest for. I owe it to dance that I understand my myths and know how to tell these practically lost stories.

The NORTH indian dance styles that persist in today's India are so much more prone to fusion and lack traditional thought. Anjaane tried to put in some traditional dancing, and they should be commended for that fact, but the execution of the steps by those girls was cringeworthy! The effort that was present throughout the rest of their piece was lacking in this segment, and that was due to lack of effort and knowledge to understand Bharatanatyam steps. The idea to do some classical and incorporate it was wonderful, but it would have been more wonderful if it was executed in a professional manner, i.e. So You Think You Can Dance's Bollywood number a year ago. I have done some of those fusion elements (more classical, less non) before...many have. It's something you have to adjust to and do as a dancer, but professionally and with some understanding. that just irked me during their performance because every other hip hop or classic Bollywood move was picture perfect, but the classical interlude was so baaad. : (

This just told me that I missed being on stage. I love to perform. and I loved "Shiv Tandav Stotram" because I helped choreograph. I was a key part of that coming to fruition, and it felt so good. I want to come back to campus after break with that in mind. I want to find dancers who are passionate and NEED it as much as I do, or at the very least have an interest to learn how to dance/hone their craft. I am going to bring my practice saris. I will have more dances in my arsenal. I will coordinate a performance by next year!

So, recap of strategies to prevent complacency:
- MORE studying & reading & understanding & writing

- start Bhagavad Gita. read commentaries to enrich and get guidance through it.

- read more NEUROOOO. get prepared for getting into a legitimate neuroscience lab next semester on a volunteer basis.

-DANCE MORE. take choreo notes on youtube like Ranjani Auntie.

-Relax a little! It's freshman year! No need to win the Nobel Prize just yet. :)

xoxo,
maithreyi--THAT's my name. don't wear it out.

friends

i feel like i'm weird when it comes to friends.
I don't have that go-to group.
I have a bunch of people that I meet and connect with.
And then I'm part of these organizations and teams where it feels as though I'm friends with everyone in that group, but not really. Ultimate feels like that. I feel like people know me and I know them, but it's very polite--and that may be my own fault. I'm not very open in the way that they are. I talk openly, I make new friends, sure. but i'm ...less in-your-face. I am so much more interested in PLAYING than the side-stuff. I want us to win. I want to be good at playing the sport. The parties and stuff don't seem to be my type of scene. I just wish I had gone to the tourney because then I'd feel included without these outsider-ish feelings.

Friend wise- I like the two main groups I have to count on, my HSO board<3 and then my TCF crew. I feel like HSO has become just a group of cool Indian kids that happen to run this Hindu organization together. I feel like we all get along so well and it's so fun to hang with them. And they have good advice :] cuz they are all SO old! haha. but I really feel like I can ask them for help and to hang out and talk to them cuz we're friends now.

TCF kids are just my friends. we're better friends though because we can connect spiritually. I can understand how that is important to them and what they do and why. It makes our friendship deeper in a way than any other friendships because I have seen them all pray and think about God while I do as well. I have a greater appreciation for them than other non-Christians, I guess. I love how moral and grounded and caring they are, out of the greatness within them. It's not fake, and I love that.

So if I never develop a friendgroup, I feel like I'll be alright.
: ]
xoxo,
maithreyi
[yay for indians&(non-indians)who can call me it properlyyy !]

the festival of lights.

so. diwali and dancing at diwali was AMAZING.
i did not make a single mistake, and i actually feel good about my performance which makes the compliments seem valid. I mean, there are tons I could improve, but as a starting point for performing at USC? very very very good.
and as the evening progressed, getting compliments, and dancing on the dance floor, and cleaning up, and even setting up before any of it-- in hindsight: everything was worth it. i got to know my hso board better, and I had fun connecting with my new indian friends, while missing the old.

sunday was not so exciting: tidepool field trip. i did not really enjoy myself: i was drowning in lethargy and stress and worry and all these bad emotions that envelop me... mom and dad are right. when something goes wrong, i let it pervade and cannot fix it. and the only thing that ever works is starting all over from scratch. if that's what's necessary, that's what's hopefully going to be done. the details are left for tomorrow, but today--based on that idea--i'm feeling relieved. i would love to start over. i would love to actually LIKE chemistry! i feel like i didn't give it a chance because honors was SO beyond over my head.

now i can focus on my 14 credits! I read a bio chapter today. I think I can do bio lab studying, watch gossip girl, go to open mic, read some othello. I feel like I can get things DONE and done WELL. it's an empowering feeling. and I feel like had I done the easier chemistry, even with the same timings, I would probably feel this way too. pity i didn't THINK about the consequences of taking honors back during registration. but my situation was also not good. I was registering while I was in atlanta, on the phone with TO, etc. it was a bad situation. now, i have determined my classes for next semester: psych 100, stat for psych, bio 121b, chem 105a & maybe a two credit. I AM GOING TO DO WELL! admitting ignorance isn't defeat, it's learning in its highest sense. knowing what one doesn't know--that being said, i hope i finish on time IN 2013!!! it may mean some summers spent here versus at home but I think it will turn out alright in the end. and if it's not alright, it's not the end!

and i'm reallly thinking about minoring in ancient religions & classics. I miss Latin a whole lot. richter made sure of that!

[i GOT A 98 on my FEAR OF DIVERSITY MIDTERM!!!! WOOOO!] :D

but yeah. good talk with krylov, and now i feel like i can tackle my work and do well.

xoxo,
maithreyi

revitalized.

This week for me has been a rollercoaster.
I feel like I've been going through cycles of tiredness and stress and then SOMETHING moves both in me and around me-- and that something is the power of the gods. but not once: over and over.

It started with the my hectic monday morning, and the prayer couch relivening me and helping me to remember the bigger goals and reasons why i'm here. I was practically sent here to USC by the gods. it's not a random act of chance that I would end up here instead of where the whole world expected me to be. And the prayer couch helped me to remember that--put things into perspective.

Tuesday was a little better, but in a sense that Tuesday is apathy... sadly. I should be more dutiful and do something of meaning on Tuesday morning [omg. michelle branch song... :) ] ...but instead i vegetate and watch tv shows... : (
tuesday nights are interfaith council and ultimate though, and then catching up with my southside tcf-ers (if they're still around at that time...)
interfaith, so far, has been reallllllly disappointing. i thought it would be more about getting to know one another's faiths. truly understand each other and work to achieve that pluralistic dream (see pluralism post somewhere below) but instead it's always impersonal, clunky topics that are hard to relate to except on a personal basis. i would much rather see everyone's personal views on things, or an in depth look at cultural customs and similarities of religions than focus on these GIANT topics that no one will ever bear answers to.

ultimate has been more of a journey than i thought, too. I thought I would naturally just play and there would be this magic thing where I was amazingly good at it from the start. but, like all things, playing ultimate well comes with time, commitment, and effort and practice. which i will definitely make time for. i love the people, and once we get to know each other better-- i am sure things will be much more awesome and i'll feel more at home on that field.

wednesday. is always a journey.
i didn't really finish my lab report til late again.
I didn't go to krylov's office hour.
I did make it out of lab 2 hours early!
I did most probably do well on my midterm for core 102!
I managed to make it through relatively unscathed.
And I even went to the HSO meeting and aarthi!
I love meeting with them because brown people meetings just make me feel more at home here as I did back in Burlington. We have an unbreakable connection.

Thursday.
I woke up at 11, when the health and safety check people knocked on my door.
I went to parkside post-shower and had an amazing lunch.
then out of the blue, i saw emily! I see her everywhere all of a sudden and it's wonderful because she's just a burst of sunshine. : ) we walked to cardinal gardens and had a nice chat. that's what I love about my TCF friends: they are genuine. They don't just simply say "Hi!" and wave and go on. We have conversations. We care. We pray. After my chat with her, I went to the UV, bought some stuff I needed, and then went to Starbucks to spend some of the many dollars worth of Starbucks giftcards my mother had given me prior to coming to SC: iced lemon pound cake + black raspberry izze= yum.

Then off to chemistry SI, the only place where chemistry becomes crystal clear. and then, on my way to the bookstore to buy notebooks that I desperately need to study chem properly, i see none other than the interceeders praying on the bookstore steps! I joined them, got a cookie from the environmentalist, and had a good time talking with my awesome friends before going to chemistry review aka the review that almost wasn't, which me and richard almost ditched for parking structures after boarding in circles around sgm 101. review, sadly, did not help too much-- same goes for my conversation with krylov after. she basically told me the same things I have kept hearing: do the problems, go to SI, etc. And I am. I bought notebooks, and I studied chemistry today. I read some of chapter 9 and did more than half of the first homework... drudging my way slowly through it all. I had another one of those stressed/overwhelmed moments after Chem review though. I came back to my room and like a high speed train, the repercussions of my bad performance in chemistry hit me--but my mother helped me through it. we skyped and I said Hanuman Chalisa over skype to her, with MS Subbhalakshmi singing on youtube in the background. We were both crying, but she said she would pray at the temple for me, and more importantly, she reminded me that she loves me no matter what. I sometimes forget that because of this almost robotic tendency I gained through grade school to high school of nonchalantly doing well, expecting nothing in return but some untold respect from my loving parents. Now that school is actually hard, it's hard to remember that family is unconditionally loving. especially when there's a lot on the line, money wise. but it's good to remember that and that even gods love unconditionally and that everything will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay: it's not the end. After that, I mustered my strength, and trudged on through "pressure and temperature relationships in gases" and "solution based chemistry". I toiled through what is the source of my unhappiness and low performance here, and I felt better for it.
The gods even rewarded me: I'm dancing in place of Nimisha on Saturday!
of course, her situation in unfortunate, and my heart goes out to her family and I'm sure everything will be okay with her grandfather, but I always feel as though when Shiva wants me to dance, I end up finding my way to the stage. It happened that random day in October when auntie asked me to dance at the temple with Shiva homam, and I have that same feeling now. He knows that I have been aching to dance for him since I've been here, and I am ready to take to the stage. He's giving me that opportunity to be his mouthpiece/his instrument--and I couldn't be happier about it. I practiced Bhoomanjali probably over 10 to 15 times today, and I am of course, rusty--but I can feel a confidence and a strength when I dance and a power that I know is his. Finding that power was the point of Arangetram for me, and now--harnessing it is bringing joy and that enlightenment to others. I can't wait to dance at the banquet...

Oh and Overflow, the stories I heard of the prayer couch just showed me that like amma used to say when I was young, the gods are watching you. the gods are within you. the gods are everywhere [more specifically, when i was scared of going to bed by myself at night, she'd tell me that hanuman was there by my pillow and that nothing bad could happen because he would protect me. that feeling still helps me in whatever I do today. I know that Hanuman is always with me.] God spoke to the people on the couch, no matter if they were praying or prayed for. And he spoke because he is within each of us, working, waiting to be seen in glimpses and glimmers. I can't believe how much Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol applies here. That book is the essence of all that I have been thinking for this whole month of October. since fall con. the ideas of this ultimate belief and god within you and truth within the spiritual word is all i've been trying to articulate for days. and he does it within the context of a great thriller that is part of a series. phenomenal. god's speaking through that book as well. I know I'm going to reread some of what Peter Solomon says within it for days to come.
That book sparked me to go out and try to understand the Bhagavad Gita. I feel like every religion has its book, and even though Hinduism has many--it shouldn't impede me from the motivation to read and learn from them. I'm going to read some Gita every day--online for now, until I can get a nice version somewhere. And then move on to Perival's books. And so on, hopefully learning and understanding along the way.

These cycles of revitalization are just the gods' way of saying "don't worry. I'm there for you. it'll be alright". It's reassurance at its best.

xoxo,
maithreyi : )
[say it right, and you win at life!]

ALL ACTION; less talk, please.

...
yet another disappointment = Gandhi Remixed event.
& by extension, the entire Parliament of World Religions.

YEA, interfaith dialogue! dialogue! dialogue! woooo.

I kept hearing this word. dialogue. That's just the problem. it's all about talking, and not about doing. it's not about experience for these people, it's about talking about their experiences. it's glorified (show and ) tell, minus the show. Our workshop went the same way. It was about talking out these giant problems of global intolerance" but the irony is that just last week, these same people were talking about how pluralism to them is just that surface idea of tolerance.

I still think that my going to TCF's meetings and connecting with that whole group, Christian or not, we agree that there's a higher power. And through them, I can find yet another way to connect with it. I have been feeling so tired, stressed, and lost lately. Nishat Khan's musical performance last night just made me miss Massachusetts and my grandmother and my great grandmother, and my extended family. It just tug on all that which I hadn't been getting from living here in California. And meeting Manoj, Aishu, and Teju for the first time didn't help: they reinforced the missing elements of my puzzle here. But it was great that I met them, for now I can connect with a piece of "home" whenever I want. And so I have. I came home last night, and I think I just listened to dance music and read. This morning, I listened to Kurai Ondrum Illai, Hanuman Chalisa, and all these other MS Subbhalaksmi songs--reminding me of times I would belt them out in the car with mom, dad, and Adi. Then I took my iPod downstairs and danced a bit, and then went out to icecream, to clear my head before my midterm. Still tired, downtrodden, and just coming off another stressful phone call from my mother, I found the prayer couch.

Literally, it was like God knew what I needed. Just talking it out with Jonathan helped me so much to figure out what I need and just deal with what's going on right now. It felt good just to get those uncomfortable and scary feelings I've been having about being here at USC out and also realize that it would all be okay eventually. I feel like I tell myself that constantly, but it's true. it's about where you end up, not where you start or the bumps along the way. I came back here, and danced it out until I was ready to tackle that bio midterm!

And I did! .. I was out at like 1:30pm, after checking and rechecking my work. The only things I knew for sure I messed up were the fungal definitions and possibly the order of derived characters of chordates. but other than that, I am confident. I even am POSITIVE i got the extra credit correct!

And I think I owe that to the gods. it's about actions. normal, hindu/muslim/pagan/whatever-nonChristians would NOT take that risk and sit on that prayer couch, at least I don't think so. but they may talk about interfaith issues all day and night. They may even be the president of interfaith council, but not ever consider taking a leap of faith in such a direction. if I hadn't taken that action today, and just kept on boarding in my confounded, scared, stressed state, I don't know how I would've handled that biology midterm. I wouldn't have had this calm and feeling of peace that I attribute as a direct result of my actions this morning. Praying, listening, dancing, talking it out on that couch.

Actions speak louder than words for a reason. They say more than just idea, they show feeling, emotion, they show the missing elements that make up a human being.

Even in "Fear of Diversity" today, we talked of this melting pot culture and homogeny. And I firmly believe that though culturally, it's about balance and harmony, spirtually and by faith --we need to be more openminded. We need to see the similarities we all offer. We desperately need to just plunge into another's faith for only a moment to understand how much we all are striving for the same goals. Jews and Christians and Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists and on and on. We all are just trying to know the same power better. That power that lies within us, that created us, that makes us all motivated to go on.

So while TALKING is wonderful, it doesn't establish anything. it doesn't get anything done. while the Parliament convening in Melbourne is a lovely idea, what will actually BECOME of that week in Australia? absolutely, bloody nothing. whatever ideas that they establish will only change the perspectives of those there. they will not outreach and change the lives of others who did not make that expensive and fruitless journey to Australia. and the facts stand that I have singlehandedly learned more about Christianity than I ever knew by spending quality time communicating with their faith and my friends who believe in Christ than any non-Christian at Gandhi Remixed especially from USC. I feel like projects that actually accomplish action prove interfaith relations more than just mere chatting about the "importance of pluralism in today's global climate" . Action like Gandhi's or King's. Movements. or even smaller actions, like simply reaching out to help someone, anyone, whenever that opportunity arises. Those small, almost miniscule actions add up. Every smile created from a warm heart changes that receiver for ages. Hawthorne from Overflow is the prime example of this... we have a power we don't recognize, but just talking it to death is not a good use of it. We must think, act, and change this world. Actively engage in spirtual acts that may be different from those which we are used to while maintaining our spirtual ties. I'm still Hindu, though I do participate actively in TCF. I still believe in the many avatarams of that higher Brahman, because for me that makes it easier to understand Him. And for me, it's easy to see that Jesus is just another one of those emanations and deserves just as much praise. For me, it's easy to see this hierarchy, where Brahman, this ultimate power and reality flows above the Devas and Avatarams, and prophets--where the God which the Christians speak to is that very Brahman.

I find that deep spiritual teaching I gain through Intervarsity is applicable in any faith. Those stories exist in Hinduism too. We even have five virgin births in the epic, Mahabharata: the Pandavas are all bestowed upon Kunti and King Pandu. Arjuna, the hero, has a conversation with Krishna, an avataram of Vishnu, who is also an emanation of Brahman--the infinite, immanent, transcendent reality of all things. Namely, the supreme. He also deals with right and wrong and morality and these deep questions with deep answers. And from these teachings of Krishna emerge the Bhagavad Gita. The scripture that is of much authority in Hinduism (sidenote: why couldn't they just compile all the Vedas, Upanishads, and shlokas, and Gita into one book and make it like THE authoritative source of all things Hindu? I know that the personal preferences and the Vaishnaivism and Shaivism thing and the caste / dharma bit all overshadow and color that, but it would just help everyone FIND what they're looking for...).

I think that another of the many reasons I appreciate and love TCF is that they actually get out and HELP the community. they don't sit there and talk about how great they are and how open minded the world could be, and how the world, you know, would just be a better place if everyone talked about these issues, like interfaith does... but THEY ACTUALLY CARE. AND THEY SHOW IT. they shower love on all those on campus. they become one with the god within themselves. [In Hinduism, god is present in every thing and object and person and creature.]
It's not just talk to them--it's talk, understanding, then ACTION.

but yeah. so recap:
gandhi remixed = epic fail [for the purpose of actually REACHING pluralism and nonviolence in today's world... for the purpose of TALKING AROUND those ideas? accomplished 5 times over!]
nishat khan = amazing musician. makes you feel things you didn't think music could reach. eyeopening and made me homesick for all 3 of my homes: india, singapore, burlington.
prayer couch FTW! <3 just when i needed it, and just what I needed.

so--in conclusion: while talking is great for reaching understanding, actually experiencing and actually taking part in these traditions and actions and reaching out to those unlike yourself-- therein lies the path to pluralism and nonviolence and a better world.

[if the above made little sense, it was written very stream of consciousness with little to no break.]

xoxo,
maithreyi
[still missing how mommy says my name correctly. even if she's yelling/concerned from the other side of the country. <3]

: ] oh, happy day.

so. i went into today thinking I'd get work done, and study... instead, i went to nightly crew at trojan vision, and missed (chicken and) waffles & night market for "voices shaking USC", was a cameragirl (to get better at it...), and successfully didn't finish my TCE episode, and then went to parkside and had the best time with the people i like most. chilling, boarding, eating, chilling, eating, boarding, talking... for hours! i love how things work out better than planned, but studying would be the best plan right now. : / i'll study tomorrow. then buy cleats. and study more until GARBA NIGHTTTT WOOOO! I am so psyched to garba... in my salvar. ; ) it's been so long, and without the peanut gallery at garbas back home, it will be nice. but i'll miss karishma, who was at EVERY garba I have ever gone to, and neha <3 and zill. but it would still be nice to go back to my roots. but i kind of think that that's a sacrifice i can make to study for my midterms. so i might not go (esp cuz diwali is next week anyway, and I'm def going to be better dressed for diwali than this...)
and i don't think i need to pay 10 dollars to be a usc student garba-er. . .
yeah. i'll forgo garba and finish studying. : /
then i can be all interfaith at the event on sunday and meet manoj, and co (mom said not to call him uncle. but i don't know what else he'd be...)

...you know what would be more interfaith/intercultural? to celebrate all the holidays around this time... like eid, diwali, moon festival, whatever jewish holiday is all around campus, etc.
show people what the traditions are...

it's like debate: no one cares what you SAY.
it's the actions that matter. whatever you say is just practice and skills for a world that only remembers action.


oh ,and OVERFLOW YESTERDAY WAS BOMB. :]
thinking about things in that wayyy helped me deal with the stress of life right now.


xoxo,
maithreyi

pluralism

PLURALISM: (n.)
taken from the Harvard Pluralism Project:

What is Pluralism?

The plurality of religious traditions and cultures has come to characterize every part of the world today. But what is pluralism? Here are four points to begin our thinking:

• First, pluralism is not diversity alone, but the energetic engagement with diversity. Diversity can and has meant the creation of religious ghettoes with little traffic between or among them. Today, religious diversity is a given, but pluralism is not a given; it is an achievement. Mere diversity without real encounter and relationship will yield increasing tensions in our societies.
• Second, pluralism is not just tolerance, but the active seeking of understanding across lines of difference. Tolerance is a necessary public virtue, but it does not require Christians and Muslims, Hindus, Jews, and ardent secularists to know anything about one another. Tolerance is too thin a foundation for a world of religious difference and proximity. It does nothing to remove our ignorance of one another, and leaves in place the stereotype, the half-truth, the fears that underlie old patterns of division and violence. In the world in which we live today, our ignorance of one another will be increasingly costly.
• Third, pluralism is not relativism, but the encounter of commitments. The new paradigm of pluralism does not require us to leave our identities and our commitments behind, for pluralism is the encounter of commitments. It means holding our deepest differences, even our religious differences, not in isolation, but in relationship to one another.
• Fourth, pluralism is based on dialogue. The language of pluralism is that of dialogue and encounter, give and take, criticism and self-criticism. Dialogue means both speaking and listening, and that process reveals both common understandings and real differences. Dialogue does not mean everyone at the “table” will agree with one another. Pluralism involves the commitment to being at the table -- with one’s commitments.

—Diana L. Eck "

Okay. so going forth, with this definition: my ideas about all religions existing together in the last post?
Very very very very true!
: )
I found out later that it is easier for Hinduism to accept the idea of pluralism than for Muslims and Jews to accept pluralism. I found this out at an Interfaith Council meeting, planning an event this weekend called Gandhi Remixed: Pluralism and Nonviolence in Today's World. I researched pluralism the night before, and upon finding the parallels and synchrony of my thoughts with the ideas, I felt so excited to present at this event.

When I went to the interfaith meeting, though, I feel as though no one else really had thought about pluralism before. I mean, it's not a word one hears every day...which is why I looked it up. When I tried to explain it... people jumped at the one instance I made a "value statement" when I tried to explain it. I said the word EQUAL! that's not a value statement! That's expressing the value of human equality! Then they gave their own personal explanations... those of coexistence and inclusivism. ITS BEYOND THAT! and thankfully Reverand Jim took over and explained this above definition from Harvard using the progression of coexistence/tolerance --> inclusivism ---> pluralism. Pluralism is the ideal, so it can't be a moving definition. it must be pinned down. It's the acceptance of the validity and truth of all religions.

It is the idea that allows me to enjoy hearing Christian teachings of purpose and love etc and trying to apply them to my life because they work just as well as Bhagavad Gita (there's a BGita class Oct 21!) :] It is what helps me to connect with my believing friends. It is a thread that connects us. Pluralism is what will get us to a nonviolent future where wars may not exist. The wars in the Middle East is fueled by inclusivism and intolerance. The idea that one's faith is "better" in any way does not promote a good world environment. That ego overrides ideas of connection and linking together and pluralism... causing conflicts of opinion and eventually violent wars. The idea that the board of Interfaith does not grasp that progression poses a problem.

I mean, society is not at pluralism yet. We're still stuck on inclusivism. We're still thinking hierarchically instead of a mixed salad view where we all talk to everyone else and CONNECT to everyone else. But as interfaith council at USC, we're supposed to PROMOTE pluralistic ideas! yet Sara and Sarah are both non-pluralistic in their thinking! Which may be because they are part of Abrahamic religions, Judaism and Islam. But then where does that leave the Christians? They have the ability to be very pluralistic: I spent a weekend with them, and no one attempted to convert me. I mean, some aren't obviously, but the ones I know well- they would never dare to strip me of my faith. They understand that I have belief as well as they do.

I don't know. I kind of wish I was head of Interfaith because I feel like I not only grasp these ideas but I also implement them. I go beyond just talking about interfaith issues. I actively have experienced a different religion's traditions, and seen the ways in which we're all similar after all. I sang the songs. I prayed. I thought about Simon-Peter plunging into deeper waters. Experiencing it helps one to see the closeness we share while talk just emphasizes the difference because of all the surface tension of race and traditions. The differences in physicality and manner and customs all mask our true purpose: a higher power.

If we could unify around that idea, and see that the higher power idea is what matters, then it wouldn't be so hard to accept each other. I feel like Hinduism is misunderstood; my mom has said it so many times. It's about Brahman! We're actually monotheistic, Maithreyi. And I now SEE that. Brahman--the supreme, is hard to relate to, so we have Ganesh. We have Parvati, and Shiva, and Murugan. We have the familial stories of these gods and goddesses. We have all these gods emanating from this super powerful being. Humanizing them makes it easy for us to relate to, which is why I feel that Christianity has Jesus: he was a living god. Same for Islam, Muhammad's life makes believing it easier. It's historical. I mean, in the same vein, we have the avatarams, but with our gods, it's just more of the relating aspect. The COOL thing is that Ramayana did happen! There's pictures from space of the bridges from Lanka to the mainland. Proof that they did have a way to get to Lanka way back when.

... this idea of pluralism is why it makes sense for Bruce Almighty to be dubbed and transferred to India to God Tussi Great Ho. I mean, we don't have that one god mentality, but we could still relate to Amitabh's character.

I just want to be able to show other, confused people at Gandhi Remixed what pluralism is all about, and it's frustrating that the interfaith council itself doesn't BELIEVE IT or understand it fully. I think to understand it, you have to be open-minded. You have to be willing to see the truths in other's views. You have to be willing to step out of your own comforting lifestyle and see what the other faiths do. And you should understand their views. It's a two-way street, information and connection. I understand the Christian faith so much better, and I can appreciate their belief all that more. I hope that Diwali has that same effect for others and Hinduism. I hope the non-Hindus feel like they understand it better... It's the festival of lights celebrating light overcoming darkness within every person. Anyone can understand that, and celebrate it. It's not like the specifics need to be expressed unless one wants to know the stories. [they are amazing stories in each faith. : p]

yeah. so good thinking.

xoxo,
maithreyi
[still missing mommy saying my name right. no one here gets it right. ever. ]

{ps: I DIDN"T KNOW THERE WAS A SOUTH ASIAN A CAPPELLA GROUP! HAD I KNOWN, I WOULD'VE TRIED OUT IN AN INSTANT. IT'S LIKE PERFECT FOR ME.
: (
multifaith choir?
gospel?

or just singing paramore in my room? : )
haha }

IVTCF FALL CONFERENCE 2009--you have a calling...

so. Fall Con went WAYY better than I had hoped. and I was not made to feel awkward in the slightest. I felt all included except for a little awkwardness on Saturday night when people were declaring their Christianity or if they felt that they needed more Jesus and if they are ready to do more on campus through Jesus... it was too heavily emphasized on God, rightfully so, but I didn't seem to feel a definite fit for any and I didn't want to come off as a convert--because I'm the farthest from it (maybe not quite so far...) but I don't feel like my spirituality is in complete line with Christianity, for the very obvious reasons that I have been raised a certain way, and I love the faith I've grown with, and I just want to find ways to enrich that.

I feel like there were a few questions that I kept answering, and I may still need to answer for some people. I am not Christian. I am Hindu. I am very very Hindu. I'm on Board for the Hindu Student Organization and I'm emceeing the Diwali Banquet this year. [http://hsodiwalibanquet09.eventbrite.com!] but i'm on the board as Interfaith Rep. and I am entrigued by other religions. My background in Christianity things? I have two parents who went to Christian/Catholic schools growing up, and I have been to Basilica du Sacre Couer in France, and the Vatican. I have gone to services in both churches. I have taken communion (by accident) in France. I have listened to an Italian sermon/service in the supposed most holy of the holy Christian structures today: St. Peter's Basilica. I have appreciated Christianity in other languages, but I haven't seen it in English. I think it's partially due to fear. I didn't want to see the goodness in other systems earlier in life. I thought that each person's way was THE way for them, and browsing was almost rude.

And then I went to Splash Down @ USC. And I met all these Christians, but I didn't necessarily notice that about them first. It was first more of a "you're awesome..." feeling, then we would talk more deeply. I had the best time, and the reasons did not occur to me until much later.

After Splash Down, Katelyn and I went to ice cream and had some deeper conversation, some random September Friday. I explained some of the workings of Hinduism to her. And she told me more about Intervarsity, and even mentioned Fall Con briefly, floating the idea in my head. As we talked more, she started inviting me to fun things intervarsity does together, like go to the game & small group things & in and out or just eating snacks tuesday nights after bible study, etc. Doing my research, I registered for fall con. It sounded like just what I felt I needed, before properly joining HSO & board there. Island + spirituality = real nirvana.

The thing that gets me about IV is that because they have a faith, they are so well-grounded morally. HSO has that same feeling but not to the same extent. The conversations we have had in discussion lately have not been deep-- they have spanned just going over what people do on the surface, and just gently touching on the deeper points. The conversations or even just Tracey's talks about purpose and God's plan for us-- that feels more like the point of religion. Purpose. Strength. the will to go on through hardship. and for us, the gods are still that refuge-- it's just forgotten. it's not right there staring at you in the face. the fact that the gods love you? are within you? around you, everywhere? hard to face. hard to remember. not told in SONGs that get stuck in your head that you really understand. nooo. these things are hidden for hinduism. like puzzles. and that's great too, but it makes the real spiritual thinking portion of Hinduism hard to do. I think I'm going to read as many stories as I can. And retell the ones I know. The HSO kids... they are not into that on the most part. They probably would not see the merits of the spirituality that the Christian faith allows for. The directness they have towards God is unparalleled, and the casual tone about this subject that the songs show and the structure of their service make the faith and thinking so accessible.

I wrote some of these notes during alone time on Saturday morning, staring at the vast ocean, waves rocking inward and out :

"well, right off the bat, I miss home. I miss going to the beach with mom dad and Adi. For me, Venice was my FIRST literal and physical step ALONE into deeper waters.
This feels good. Translating whatever Tracy says, etc into terms I understand isn't too complicated, and there are aspects of Christianity I WISH Hinduism had. The understanding of god's love, the freeform prayer, the contemporary music.
The things that make Hinduism cumbersome are the languages, the formality of the Vedic mantrams and shlokams, the many texts versus one definitive text, the general oldness and unconnectability to it unless one wants to. It has its good qualities too: it has purpose. People have done these things for decades and even thousands of years, but sometimes people lose sight of WHy because the acts in the very general realm speak more than why but unless you know WHY, you don't appreciate those other nuances and tradition.

...
The talking direction to God as a prayer? I LOVE. I actually do it at temple. and now. it's my understanding of my relationships with Saraswati, Durga, Lakshmi,Ganesh, Hanuman, Murugan, Vishnu, and Shiva.

I mean, for us god isn't the unformed diety--god is in every person and in every thing. There is god in every rock beneath me now. And I used to find that hard to believe, but now after understanding scripture, I realize it's true.

The idea that all the faiths coexist is where I personally used to get lost or elitist. I looked down upon monotheism because it is so limiting, but in many ways the simplification of rituals equals deeper faiths.

Now, since I finally understand my mother's argument that we are, too, monotheistic in a way--with Brahman at the center, and all the others emanating from him, i can kind of build a picture of how this whole system works...this idea is pluralism at its best. It's like all my gods, and avatarams (Krishna, Rama), and Jesus, and Muhammad, and Buddha are like ambassadors of this same higher greater power, and that is who fascinates and excites us on a day to day basis.

This morning, I felt like I saw into the breaking of reincarnation, or where the staircase where avvaiyar got the opportunity to walk up. sunrise was just that breathtaking. It came and went so quickly, and it felt like Vishnu, Ganesh, Lakshmi, etc were saying hello or good morning. They were telling me to not worry and to remember my purposes in life and my goals.
Mary, my neighbor back at home in Btown, always says it doesn't matter how you get there--god finds a way. and i couldn't agree more.

Mom and Dad went to Christian schools growing up, and they sang songs and my mom had to do readings from the Bible. That's why they almost sent me to Catholic School... St Marks actually! haha. But I never really had to. but I think it's enjoyable and Christians in general make good, well-grounded friends.

Being friends with lots of people who lost faith when I was in my teens was not a good thing: it didn't help me to connect with them because whenever organized religion would come up, it would be a joke, leaving me in a weird situation. I was as lost as I could've been as is. That threw another tally for the differences between us, and the causes for us to not be so friendly when we drifted. Well, back then, no one did spiritual things out of want either. But I would still do the things my mom told me to. Once I began arangetram practice for dance, though, that's when the stories made more sense and I thought about it more. I found myself listening to the songs because the stories were comforting.

...

Goals:
I know that I will get what I want to achieve, eventually. And it will be a bumpy ride but after all my family's been through, it's up to me to fix the damage. And that's why my parents lay on the stress thick. They want me to do the things I want to do, but for very similar, harsh, painful reasons. I know I will fix things eventually! I will cure the illnesses that my beloved relative has. That's motivation enough to study chemistry properly. until the end of time.

And I'm obviously not converting, but it is nice to pull from and appreciate different religions because ultimately, it's about belief. Belief in something more than just life, stark and ironically, life less. It is about sucking the marrow of life. It is about living life diliberately. It's just as much about nature as god because nature IS god.

"

That's all I wrote at Catalina. But beyond that, I thought a lot about pluralism and the coexistence of all religions. They are so easily melded together. They make sense together. Belief has a funny way of expressing itself similarly across the globe. I'm glad I get to apply what I thought about on Sunday! :] gandhi & pluralism & nonviolence. so great.

getting ready to sing "where the lines overlap" by paramore @ gz.

xoxo,
maithreyi

[i really miss people calling me by my actual name.]

thinking...

so this was two pages, double sided, handwritten, really small and neat. : )

bear that in mind. i may self-censor a little, but i'm going to try to just write what i wrote and edit for bad writing/grammar.

... :

so, HSO's [hindu student organization] potluck party/meeting went really well. I love talking to them because I feel like we all came from a similar background. We're Indian, but with much American influence.

I'm emceeing the Diwali show! And I came up with this week's discussion topic: "Vijayadashmi": basically Ranjani Auntie's yearly discussion about Ravana's ten heads, etc. I'm sure the board will become closer as the year goes on, but today's meeting was a good start! Ronak and Seenu offered to drive me grocery shopping after meetings, and more than half the discussion tonight was just laughter and joking around. Mansi and I, though we were the only freshmen, weren't made to feel awkward--we felt as much a part of the group as any of the seniors or grad students.

between hanging with intervarsity and hso, I feel like I have found the grounded, motivated, yet fun and interesting people who both keep me going and can mentor me. These are the kinds of people I hope to be some day. If I'm just as smart as Suhas is about Hinduism someday, I'd be a better person for it.

I mean, the way in which I met Mansi in itself was ridiculous: I was walking near the Lot one day, and as I walked past her, we locked eyes, and I gave her the head nod like "hey, how's it going?" just because she's indian, and she would totally understand. and instead of just ignoring me or throwing it off as some weird girl's actions, she responded and we talked and bonded over being indian : ] remeeting her today was like the icing on a karmic cake: we were destined to see each other again! haha. but it's funny how life/fate/god has its ways.

i am SO excited for fall con! but just as i'm excited, i'm nervous. i'm not gonna lie: i'm worried about the NOT being christian thing. I mean, I'm obviously going for both the social and spiritual aspects. for me, going to fall con is substituting the lack of temple-going. Communing with nature on an island is a good backup for not going to a temple somewhat regularly, because hey-- there really ISN"T one to go to.

I mean, I am one to see things in different lights and walking a mile in someone else's shoes, and having gone to the Basilique du Sacré-Cœur, Montmarte, Paris-- and getting communion there (thanks to my always helpful mommy... :P)--i can't really get more christian than that.

and I KNOW that intervarsity would never try to convert me, but i'm really hoping that going doesn't change ME or my status as a Hindu. Or that it isn't awkward as hell. I mean, there's a guest speaking talking about God's plan for YOU. and ... my gods' plans are between me and Ganesh, Saraswati, Hanuman, Lakshmi, Vishnu, Shiva, Murugan, Parvati, and Brahma.

I have a very personal dialog with gods that I can talk about but it is distinctly different than my mom's or dad's. It's how I personally have to put belief into perspective. I'm a scientist. I'm practically programmed to NOT believe, yet I do so more than most. because for me, a higher power is not just out there: it is both reasoning for why we're here to begin with. and gives us a purpose for what we're trying to accomplish. it gives us goals. or at least, me. we're here to do our best at our duties: dharma. we're here to reap the punishment and rewards : karma, and then eventually to reach nirvana.

the aspect I love about hinduism?
it is all very much based on very personal decisions. NOTHING is forced upon you. you choose your timings, you choose your traditions. you decide what is important. I mean, as Iyers and Iyengars, etc, we have our own traditions and rituals, but you can still choose what fits you. whatever feels as though it fits your style. whatever you deem is your personal dharma. and you really decide how the supreme, the sum of all gods: brahmaan views it. [hinduism is split among many gods because of simplicity and ease, the real idea is one greater power. he's just split so we can understand it better]

loads of people could diagree with me, and say that it isn't all that simple, that there are rules and confines, etc. but funnily enough, the core value about hinduism is that yes, there are these fundamental choices, but choosing wisely separates those outstandings who will gain a free pass to nirvana in this life, and those who drudge on in this endless circle of rebirth [which reminds me, where do other faiths and other people fall in this cycle? do they just not exist? can you not be born as a buddhist or christian or muslim in another life?]

my personal "chats" with gods before and after slokams help me to keep grounded. they help me to form moral ideas and choose right and wrong. that's why i miss going to temple: those were my solid hours of talking to gods. here, in a dorm, it's harder to do so. it's not looked upon in a grand manner, being religious. i have to make my own time. no one drives the whole family to framingham for the day to spend time at pooja. weekly aarthi's not enough either--"om jai jagadish" does not evoke anything within me. my favorite god is ganesha. i'm named for lakshmi; i love nataraja because of dance. so, changing up aarthi slokams or something may help me and others in their spiritual journey.

doing saraswati pooja this morning was a great idea. (well, flowers minus the chandanam/kunjumum) same with saying chalisa. both gave me a sense of home. they reminded me of mommy cooking baji, singing slokams like ms subbhalakshmi songs, and eating applams and sambhar.

i'm not going to lie: i miss home terribly.

esp mom, dad, bro.

i mean, friends are amazing, but family's for life.

it's COMPLETELY true: your parents know you best, they know what's best for you, and try as you might to deny this: they DO understand you better than anyone else.

I regret not discussing what I can talk to my mom about now back 3 years ago. She could've helped me out of many sticky situations.

& I CAN ACTUALLY HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH MY FATHER NOW.
anyone who knows me well (read: no one at all knows me THIS well...) knows that throughout my life, my father and I fought a lot. we would never really see eye to eye, and he was always setting rules and saying stuff that'd make me angry. now, 6 hours and a plane away, i can appreciate what he had taught me. and i can miss him. which is awesome, because i never really did before.

....


i dunno where i'm going with any of this. it barely connects together, but i needed to vent.

life has been good on the whole, and i like the focused organizations and activities and spiritual things have helped keep me motivated and happier while i study. and that's all well and good because i have to ace chem this week! :)

<3

relivening this place up...

i need to write. and i need to think. this was my place for that for years, so i'm coming home.

lately, things have been amazing.

i have had to deal with some rough adjustment in a sense that it was a whole lot of new, exciting, friendly, amazing people in my life all of a sudden, and that was new.

however, remember this? : [taken from march 20, 2009 post]

" i miss being the center of attention. i miss being obnoxiously loud. i miss walking into a cafeteria and having to wonder "hmmm...who should i sit with today?!" or exclaiming, "yo, dant" or "yo, chan!" wherever i went. i miss being one of the guys. i miss playing frisbee everyday. i miss being genuinely and completely and irrevocably happy. i miss seeing the sunrise coincide with happy times. i miss crying myself to sleep the night before it was all over. i miss talking to old friends while new friends consoled me i miss "a beautiful mind", i miss "you deserve a whack *whackkk*!", i miss "Action Potential!", i miss subcultsh, i miss the precollege guys, i miss the ballerinas, i miss buckland and rocky, i miss "four four four four!" and their little flag and marching, i miss "girl power!", i miss fun dances, i miss bohemian rhapsody, i miss blister in the sun, i miss tunak tunak tun, i miss nightswimming x3,i missed a lot more things but stupid chrome deleted like 30 of them... i miss belonging, i miss having friends who no matter when we saw each other next, we'd talk like best buds, i miss learning because learning was amazing, i miss wanting everything that happened to happen, i miss being reallly satisfied; feeling like you were on the inside of a really good secret joke, i miss being proud of my asian/indian ness, i miss race not being a factor, i miss having random convos without being weird and awk but making fun of kids who were, i miss feeling truly in control, i miss being myself, i miss a lotta things. but the things i miss most are passionfruit, love, friendship, learning, and learning how to say goodbye. i think i get an f----- in saying goodbye. i never wanted to leave.

nevermores--2007 x33333 "

...um, yeah. story of my life : )
i do walk into the cafeteria wondering whom to sit with, but because of the fact I never walk in WITH people, and I have places to go, and things to do, I eat alone.

I do say "yo [insert name here]!" & "sup, [insert name here]?!" on a daily even hourly basis.
i love it because you sight these people, and it makes you feel like you belong. at least for me, friendship lies in the ties that don't restrict you--they connect you in a way in which you can still do your thing, but reconnect as you wish.

i can definitely vouch for being very tomboyish. I do play frisbee like a dude: i love frisbee. and I am not afraid of it or of those playing the sport alongside me. I love playing sports with guys because they don't give a crap about if you're hurt or chit chat. that's something some girls will never get a handle of. the friend thing? having friends that no matter when you see them again, you talk like you never left each other side's? constant occurance! but the thing is, like my last year of cty, i lack that sense of belonging to ONE group. even crypto c was a definite box i fit into-- here, i guess the closest thing would be hso and ivtcf. and trojan vision, but that's more of a case-by-case basis. me and karthik will never be biffs, but me and steve can talk, no worries. there are about 5 to 10 distinct cliques within marks hall itself. and for a while, i could fit into any seamlessly, but now--these groups no longer are confined to our residents. they include others... and they do things as groups, like study in the lounge together, go to the row together, play mindless games together... not my thing. i rather make use of my time. i rather go longboarding, wind in my hair, dashboard confessional blaring through my ipod headphones zooming around campus. i rather go study laying out beside a tree than inside on my hot, uncomfortable bed, or in the freezing lounge downstairs. i rather work at two labs, study hard, and play frisbee, and edit for trojan vision than ever spend another minute on greek row ever. [three words: trojan knights' party.] so yes, im a different kind of person, and yes, i did kinda lose the better friends i had here due to work and weird situations, but i am coming out of it. it will all be okay in the end. : )

xoxo,
maithreyi

We went to walden. me, ninks, and (grumpy) cousin of ninks.
at one point, we split up...
"looking" for thoreau's replica house.
i was the one who had seen it before.
who supposedly knew where it was.

i was the one who got lost.
but I FOUND SPIRITUAL STRENGTH AND POWER.
see the scene up top?
NOT walden.
the non-walden little oasis off to the side of walden.
a little known running path.
a little known hike.
i met it up to where it hit the hay, physically. i saw a legitimate cornfield, a meadow.
It was beautiful.
Undeniably, indescribably, beautiful.

So was walden. So was the idea of whiling away time with nature, instead of indoors. stuffy, and stuffed.
it was amazing...
even with two really grumpy people who act like they are like 60.
(ahh. so much walking! don'tstop! oh, be careful, you'll fall!)

i love the pictures i took, but i feel like i don't realllly know how i'm going to attribute/afix quotes onto them.
i want them to be symbolic, metaphoric, and figurative.

i'll figure something out.
mother nature has her ways.

xoxo,
maithreyi

more of the same...and something different.

so it's march. and not only am i slacking, but i'm slacking to point where my average in a class is a b-, and i have two failing grades in the class, and i have to remake a makeup test. and my mom hates the teacher. and i hate the teacher. and just about everyone i know hates this teacher. 6 guesses who! : ) 

but that aside...

everything just got insurmountably more difficult. and i have sat's coming up in may againnn :( 

and i have aps .

and finals

and ion app which i am actually doing this year. 

i have a lot to work on for it though. I have most of it, I just need to organize my recco letters, which takes a kazillion years. 

and i have all the other raw data. i hope my psats and sats are enough to get me through. i feel like the were on the "meh" side. maybe my other stats can boost it. 

i'm nervous. but if i get into ION, i'm virtually gauranteed a fabulous summer in a hot climate with kids i don't know. but am forced to know. which has the potential of being very very very good. 

i even looked at my housing options. it will only cost about...more than half my stipend! :P

but totally worth it. 

free-ish. and then being paid?! 

: )

i'm feeling low on the social ladder though. 

prom is doing nothing for my self-esteem. no invites, and my only friends don't want to go and i feel like i'm dragging them on a death march. it shouldn't be this way. 

i'd totes rather be with people who want to go. and are excited about it. but not like the sisterhood kids cuz for some reason, they are wayyy too wrapped up in it. actually the whole school is getting prom-crazed. which is fine but aggravating. and what's more aggravating? i'm fattttt :(

i miss being the center of attention. i miss being obnoxiously loud. i miss walking into a cafeteria and having to wonder "hmmm...who should i sit with today?!" or exclaiming, "yo, dant" or "yo, chan!" wherever i went. i miss being one of the guys. i miss playing frisbee everyday. i miss being genuinely and completely and irrevocably happy. i miss seeing the sunrise coincide with happy times. i miss crying myself to sleep the night before it was all over. i miss crying over a boy. i miss talking to old friends while new friends consoled me. i miss rating my friends, quite honestly, but still as like the single hottest people this side of the world, i miss "a beautiful mind", i miss "you deserve a whack *whackkk*!", i miss "Action Potential!", i miss subcultsh, i miss the precollege guys, i miss the ballerinas, i miss buckland and rocky, i miss "four four four four!" and their little flag and marching, i miss "girl power!", i miss fun dances, i miss bohemian rhapsody, i miss blister in the sun, i miss tunak tunak tun, i miss nightswimming x3,i missed a lot more things but stupid chrome deleted like 30 of them... i miss belonging, i miss having friends who no matter when we saw each other next, we'd talk like best buds, i miss learning because learning was amazing, i miss wanting everything that happened to happen, i miss being reallly satisfied; feeling like you were on the inside of a really good secret joke, i miss being proud of my asian/indian ness, i miss race not being a factor, i miss having random convos without being weird and awk but making fun of kids who were, i miss feeling truly in control, i miss being myself, i miss a lotta things. but the things i miss most are passionfruit, love, friendship, learning, and learning how to say goodbye. i think i get an f----- in saying goodbye. i never wanted to leave. 

nevermores--2007 x33333

it will never get any better. 

new template, anxious muwanda.

hmmm...

i love this new blog site. 

but i dunno about blogging right now. 

i've written about wanting to vlog for a while now. and i have found the perfect camera. it's just convincing my parents that it's not just cute, but functional. 

but i think i can win them over eventually. 

so vlogs are a ways away,but they're in the pipeline...

as for the 84. things are moving along swimmingly. i have a contest to judge in march that my school is hopefully entering! :) 

school's blah...

and i got into the university of southern california's resident honors program! 

but you know what? i genuinely wish i wanted it a bit more. i feel like i was given a puppy when i wanted a kitty. it's weird. but you can't hate the puppy. you have to think about taking care of the puppy, you know? so i might. or i may abandon the puppy to find a kitty. (and this is when the metaphor gets sad.) 

i'mma visit to see whether it's a good fit for me: academically and socially. so cal is SOOOO not where i thought i would end up. but it's unexpected. and it's serendipitous. so maybe all signs point north, and i'm just rationalizing it too much. 

prom !?

i'm trying to convince ninky(neh), my biffley to come to prom. it's not an easy task, but i'm trying! 

if i indeed leave then it'll be the last big event to finish off our schooling years together. 

other than graduation, which will still be epic. 

as for dresses...mommy says to just simply go to like macys and look and wear and decide. that worked for final fling when shopping with estrogen-pumped little 8th graders who make you feel realllllly selfconscious. but i may drag ninky and kay along. kay is also refusing to come--saying oh, i'll come for senior or it's your night... which is bull-crap because she is jsut as much my biffley and i want her there when i'm basically saying goodbye. 

part of me says going will just be a great experience and something i wouldn't necessarily regret, but something that nobody here has tried and i passed up. 

but that said, i haven't really exhausted my senior opportunities here. 

i have a lot to do next year. i have a chance to really shine if i want to. but the thing is, i can shine at usc too. and it MAY be easier. and that easierness will push me to grad schools like mit and harv and stanford etc. that will satisfy my wants. 

usc pros: early, start neuro courses, be fitter (ultimate, sunny), SUNNY, california, not too hard, not too easy, rhp, to, fsh, rennaisance scholars, opportunity to be more than jsut a neuroscientist, good research institute, good networking for grad school..., work hard during this upcoming summer, start doing something i care about--not just hmwrk for the sake of hmwrk, meet like-minded peeps, care about sports/FRISBEE!, thin down because of campus food, kay's fam/manoj uncle?!, apple laptop & camera, still graduate with my bhs class

usc cons/staying pros: take more aps next year, stay with ninky (big pro X3)>

I HATE LIFE. MY CONS LIST ISNT THIS EMPTYY. IT GOT DELETEDDD :(

that's pretty much it for now. seems pretty even. 

i am leaning towards really considering it...based on campus and feel of students. 

if i can deal with that, i'm booking my plane ticket ( as long as fin aid and crap works out... fingers crossed) 

let you know, as well as the rest of my school, what i decide---

maithreyi

25 random things that pop into my head about myself.

One of those internet/facebook/myspace memes : these are my real feelings that i didn't wanna post on facebook. too much info, sometimes. 

 

1.) Typing 25 "random" things is wicked hard for me to do, oddly.

 

2.) I make random pop-culture/kid-culture/indian-culture references in conversation/thought. conversation if i trust that you will not laugh at me for thinking of the most absurd things & thoughts if i KNOW that you will make fun of me the minute i leave.

 

3.) I know random facts about lots of things just from my lifestyle, family, and excessive googling/wikipedia-reference clicking. (there has to be a verb-form of that somewhere)

 

4.) I am unduly a very open and self-confessed nerd. I love xkcd.com, but I'm embarrassed to say that even I don't understand randall munroe's jokes 100% of the time.

 

5.) confession: I had to look up the founder/creator of xkcd just now. [i knew it was something munroe!]

 

6.)I listen to lots of podcasts on my ipod. podcasts in which the co-hosts discuss various fare from science, harry potter, twilight, and assorted nerdy things. sometimes, i don't even listen to the content,  and pop them on before i sleep to listen to their voices. weirdly calming. you have no idea.

 

7.) i have this fascination with wanting to know things, but then procrastinating on knowing them. Like, this morning, i wanted to study for this absurdly important contest in two weeks. but when it came down to doing it, i started reading thomas friedman, watching youtube, and reading mitadmissions.org blogs instead. hmmm.

 

8.) confession 2.0: i have an undeniable love for mit admission blogs. i don't know why. it's not just the school, which should be equally as amazing, but the writing, and the way that they integrate the weirdly nerdy aspects of their lives into the coolest things.

 

9.) i wish I could vlog. I wish I had a camera. I love cinema. I love freaky shots put together of action. i don't have a clue what the hell i'm talking about. but that doesn't matter. i wish i had a mac.

 

10.) um, i don't really like material possessions. i mean, i was never one to NOT accept like a toy or a stuffed animal or something, but as i grew up, i lost interest in those in favor of young adult fiction.

 

11.) my foray into ya as a 5th/6th grader kinda-sorta changed my outlook on life. i think i secretly harbored a desire to be the cool angsty kid who wrote poetry in a closet or something. somedays, i still want to be her whatever i wanted to be. something tells me i am, but in an unexpected way.

 

12.) I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. and told absolutely not a soul, except my would-be published tell-all book of 1st and 2nd grade fame "Franklin Park Zoo". on the back cover, scrawled with the self-portrait of moi with an obscenely large head of hair and equally large shoes on my mickey-mouse feet, was something eloquent about THE AUTHOR!!!!!111!! :O)

 

13.) Confession 3.0: Mrs. Ford's 9th grade english class made me wish i never wanted to be a writer. true story. I wrote these ridiculously fluff-ridden fanfiction (explanation? later) stories about lily and james potter's love story at 13. and after starting mrs. ford's class, those went un-updated for about three years. oops!

 

14.) I, who have never been romantically entangled in anything or with anyone, attempted writing romance at 13. it was chaste at best. i look back on those days and laugh because though i am still as inept at writing those subjects, i am now more confident in my inability as i was in my ability back then. if that makes any sense.

 

15.) Confession: I cut out a few of these numbers because they felt TOO personal to be on facebook. "i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd" is right... (1O points if you catch the reference!)

 

16.) On the interwebz: I used to feel guilty for writing in all lowercase, writing Lik3tHiZ, writing like THIS, and writing like This :) :) :). now i feel as though i've reached equilibrium. I break some rules like the capitalization of i's from time to time (okay, i'm the next e.e. cummings!) but i don't write fReAkY anymore. and i overcompensate my sarcarsm/humor/speech with overuse of emoticons. i can't help it! "see you tomorrow :) " looks so much more cheerful than the MORBID "see you tomorrow."

 

17.) Sometimes, I overanalyze things. I overanalyze friends. family. relationships with my peers/comrades/classmates? people that i know, talk to, but are not acquaintances or friends. and sometimes, that overanalysis is good (keeps me and others honest) and sometimes it comes off mean and self-involved. but hey, you can't blame someone who once had best friends who used her for math homework for feeling that way.

 

18.) one my pet peeves is the act of calling someone "Smaht." because they make it seem as though its a genetic trait. something lamarckian. something you can acquire over life, and pass down over generations. something unattainable. they put smart people both on the pedestal and through the toilet seat. it's a pet peeve because it's not something handed down. it can't be. if it was, little children would be spouting shakespearean insults instead of the ever-witty "You're Stupid!" and "You're STUPIDER!" you know that you can become smart by working hard. you know that, yet, you continue to simultaneously idolize and loathe those very people who have worked hard. that said, there are some genetic dispositions like memory and motivation that can greatly affect someone's smart quotient. but that doesn't mean that any random person on the street cannot be "SMAHT" at something. (to be continued? prolly an 84 related topic)

 

19.) i have a love/hate relationship with videogames. I love them a lot somedays lounging with my brother and somedays I hate them to the very core. that said, i'm picky about the games i do play. I love a party game like super smash, anything non-rpg/character based walkthroughy game on the Wii, rockband, ddr, and pokemon: the originals. i can't keep up with the 1000+ pokemon of the present, but the 150-300 originals from n-64 / game boy color were amazing. i used to be a poke-holic.

 

20.) if you know me at all, you know i dance. but you may or may not know my relationship with dance. i'm not one of those "OMG. DANCE IS MY LIFE!!! I Love to dance!!!!111!!! I breathe as a I pirouette"  type girls. i dance for culture, i dance for fun, i dance to understand bits and pieces of myself and patch myself together. i dance to defy the boxes i've been placed into.

 

21.) my obsession with the brain is an overlayed and overplayed song. I cannot explain the depth of my reasoning for both loving and despising the three-pound enigma that rests on my shoulders. somedays, i hate the very reason why i like the brain so much. and somedays, i find renewed understanding. but one thing is for sure: I'm going to keep learning. because figuring out the brain for me, is like figuring out why the gods give everyone their lot. why we're here in the first place.

 

22.) i pretend to know philosophy. but the philosophy i know is all condensed to "sophie's world". i know my world philosophy to the extent at which i am content with where i stand. if i was to explain to someone, i would but stuck in a moment for an eternity. and then it wouldn't matter at all, would it?

 

23.) sidenote: i used to be irrevocably obsessed with jostein gaarder who wrote "sophies world". i read every book he wrote that was available at my local library consortium. i end up becoming obsessed with loads of writers. i still have a longing for andrew clements school-set novels which got me into trouble in the 5th grade. i am forever in awe at jo rowling. i loved gail carson levine. and now i'm on a john greene kick which will probably never end because his books make me really think. (plus the nerdfighters and the vlogbrothers vlogs are so awesome)

 

24.) i'm such a teacher's pet--except for when the teacher totally sucks. i can be the best student, and a teacher's worst nightmare. the reason why i build these weird friendships with teachers isn't because i'm a sneaky brownnoser with a hidden agenda. it's because i appreciate that they are human. they are people who may just be teaching between jobs. people who sacrifice loads to lecture and help "mold young minds" as dumb as that sounds. but sometimes, i get caught up in the heat of the subject and the literal teaching. and if that doesn't necessarily sync up with what i tell myself I KNOW, i can be a prick.

 

25.) I have a secret love affair with fashion. he pops into my closet from time to time, you know. it's on the downlow. somedays, i cannot be bothered. and somedays, i need to keep it cazh (cas as in casual). but other days, i am woefully overdressed for school or some other event. and that's totally okay with me. : )

 

midterms. suck. 

the end. 

i'll be back blogging soon ish. 

:) 

i want to vlog...

Blogging is SO 2008...

so I want a camera and I want to videorecord my thoughts and ideas and post them here. 

:) 

much more interactive and better than stupid writing out my crap and not really having comments cuz idk how to do that with my awesome blogskin skins. 

plus, i think my incoherence in writing would be much clearer if i spoke it all out. and could cross reference it. and it would take you the people less time to deal with. 

and it would give me some more motivation and enthusiasm to deal with the actual doings of that. 

:] 

so that's my new year's resolution for this blog. 

also i have two other sites/projects in work.

along with the FIRST robotix competition (which is going along. somewhat. more live-blogging/twittering on that later) 

and my neuroscience studies. 

[i'm printing my copy of brainfacts tomorrow. yes, late. but i have no choice. no one gave me a copy and i can't supply my own color version from home] . 

but the coloring's been great. with my amazing crayon box <3

(96 crayola babyy. w/ razzmatazz : ) i need to find my favorite green later [green's my fave color]) 

so yeah. i resolve to win first place in the brain bee.... or at least lead my "team" to some sort of victory. 

yayyayayyayayay

updated layout coming this week or next.

xoxo, 

maithreyi